My son is 3 and is an expert at tantrums.
At any given moment, you never know exactly when, he may begin an emotional spiral that usually starts with flailing himself onto the floor in a sorta boneless manner.
There is lots of screaming, repeating the same phrase over and over, throwing any nearby object, endless hitting…
I start by talking to him softly, letting him know it’s ok. He’s ok. That his feelings are ok. But after a few minutes at these failed tactics, I pick him up and sit with him in his room, where the cycle continues for sometimes up to 90 minutes.
If I ever try to reason with him in these moments (ie…"You don’t have to be scared about that" or "You can have a turn later") it usually makes it worse.
I never tell him he is wrong for feeling the way he feels.
Getting angry usually just makes him angry and that rarely helps.
What works in the end? Just giving him space and time to get all his big feelings out.
Instead of fighting them, I allow them.
The problem is that when we become adults, the message changes about our big feelings. They are no longer allowed and we start to judge ourself for having them.
I shouldn’t feel angry at my kids.
I shouldn’t feel frustrated that my husband can’t cook.
I shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to have a career.
Our emotions become laced with self-judgement and so we start to avoid them rather than feel them.
We forget that all we need to do is give them time and space and they will pass…just like they always do with our toddlers.
We just feel them and let them go.
Next time you find yourself judging a feeling, instead welcome it. Treat it like you would your tantruming toddler - with lots of love, space and time.
It won’t feel comfortable, but it will be effective.
