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The holidays are chaotic times, but they can also be times of great joy and balance. It doesn't matter how many things you have to do during the holidays, it's how you feel in the midst of doing them. In today’s episode I want to focus on 3 strategies for cultivating balance in the midst of a busy holiday schedule. Using my own experience over the Thanksgiving week, I will walk you through how I was able to create space for tears of joy, rest & connection. This is part 3 of a three-part series on creating balance during the holiday season.
Topics in this episode:
Why doing less during the holidays does not create balance
What it takes to create everyday balance, even during holiday chaos
A simple practice to connect with joy
What you should be calendaring in during the holidays
What to do (and not do) with the unscheduled “in between” times
Show Notes:
The “Be present and calm this holiday season challenge” starts on Monday, December 6th in the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective. This challenge will ensure you create a present and calm holiday season with daily audio reflections, 1:1 coaching support and a simple daily practice. Join the Collective or learn more at: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/collective.
Part 1 of creating balance during the holiday season (Letting go of getting it right)
Part 2 of creating balance during the holiday season (Managing other’s expectations)
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Transcript
Hey, working moms, today is part three of a three-part series around creating balance during the holiday season. Part one was about letting go of things really needing to be a certain way during the holidays. And then part two was about managing other people's expectations during the holidays. And then today, we're focusing on being present in the midst of a very full and chaotic schedule.
Now if you hadn't heard today, inside the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms Collective we have begun the Be Present During the Holidays Challenge. This is a three-week challenge leading up to Christmas, where I am teaching you and coaching you on being 100% present and balanced during the holidays. There is still time to join and fully participate in this challenge, where you're going to receive daily audio reflections, a daily practice to cultivate being present, a one on one coaching session with me access to me through a private voice messaging app, a bonus coaching sessions, teachings and workbooks - everything that you're going to need in order to be 100% in the here and now, during this holiday season. Look, this is a ‘leave no one behind’ challenge, I want everyone crossing the finish line and being present; and really learning how to be present during this holiday season. If you can learn how to be present and create balance during the holidays, you could really learn how to do it any time of the year. Now is the perfect time. The daily work that you're going to receive is going to be no more than 15 minutes, so it's going to be extremely manageable. And we're all doing this together for the next three weeks.
This isn't really about doing one more thing, it's about doing the one thing that's going to help you let go and manage and enjoy all of the other things.
So, the challenge is taking place inside The Collective. So, you have to join The Collective in order to get all of the bonus material and support. And you can do that by going to RebeccaOlsonCoaching.com/collective and of course, as always, I will put that in the show notes for you.
So today, part three, we're talking about being present in the midst of a very full and chaotic holiday schedule. As I was preparing to record this episode, I was thinking a lot about my Thanksgiving holiday. Because objectively speaking, if someone were to really look at what I did, they would say that I had a very full and busy week. And I'm going to actually walk you through my week so you can see what I mean. It was in fact very full and very busy. And yet, I felt very calm, very present, and truly filled with joy in the midst of all of it. When I hear some people teach on creating a balanced life or when some people think about a balanced life., a lot of times the message is do less - pull back, kind of get into the Zen like states where you're not super busy, don't over commit yourself to things and so forth. And while I think it's true that you do need to manage your schedule, and you cannot be going from morning to night every day, as ambitious women we like to lead full lives. We have a lot of goals, we have a lot of interests, we want to be very good at what we do. So doing less in order to create balance - that just doesn't feel like an option.
So, I want to teach you how to cultivate a feeling of balance in the midst of a very full, and sometimes even a very chaotic life, which I know is what a lot of us experience during the holiday season.
So, my Thanksgiving week was very full. And it was very chaotic. And yet, in the midst of it, I was able to pause and truly experience joy, and be present in the midst of all of the various activities that I had going on. And I want to teach you how to do the same. So, I'm going to be sharing with you a little bit of like a blow by blow on my Thanksgiving week. And then I'm going to leave you with three tips for how you can create balance in the midst of a very busy and full holiday season for you. So, the week of Thanksgiving, that whole week, my kids didn't have any school. So, I arranged for childcare for six hours for them on Monday and Tuesday, which is about two to three hours less than what I normally have. And so, on those workdays they were filled from beginning to end every day - one day was phone calls from back-to-back to back, literally in my calendar, you would see like five phone calls that day all at about an hour each. And then on the other day, I spent writing the podcast, writing emails that were going to be sent out over the Thanksgiving week, it was kind of a day of a whole bunch of writing. And then I had to go pick up the kids, I had to bring them home.
And what I had decided is that I wasn't going to be working during that period of time when they got home.
So, I wasn't going to turn on a show and keep working. I was going to stop I was going to be present with them. We were going to do something fun. On Monday, my daughter and I did a Thanksgiving Day craft. And then I think on Tuesday, we went to the park, if I remember; then my husband would come home though, and I still had some things I needed to get done. So, he would take over watching the kids and then I would go back to work for about two hours each of those days until about 5:30PM or 6PM when I was done for the evening. Now, the reason I was even doing that was because I knew I wanted to take off Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So, I needed my full workday in order to be able to do that. But it was a very intentionally thought out, planned day. I had intentionally decided how I was going to go about doing that.
So then on Wednesday, I didn't have any childcare for them because none was available. So, I planned to spend half a day with them being totally present, we went out for fresh bagels in the morning, we went to meet some friends at a park and hung out, we had a good lunch together and so forth. And then in the afternoon, it just so happened that my kids gave me some space in order to work. I would have taken that space anyway, my son ended up falling asleep for a nap, which is kind of unusual. And then my daughter went over to the neighbors for a few hours. So, I had this time to work, which I knew I needed because I didn't get what I needed to get done on the Monday and Tuesday. And again, I was trying to take off as much time as possible during the holiday weekend. So, I worked for a couple of hours.
And then I had to spend some time organizing all of my recipes and make shopping lists and timelines because I was hosting Thanksgiving. And I had not done any shopping, cleaning, or planning at all. So, when I was done with those couple of hours of work, my husband came home, I had all of my recipes out I was like frantically writing lists. Do I have this? Do I not have this? What do I need to buy? What do I need to set aside and so forth? So then - grabbed a whole bunch of bags - I went off to the store, there was literally nowhere to park in the parking lot because it was extremely chaotic because of course, I'm shopping the day before the holiday, which was the plan. This was the time I had set aside to do the shopping, and to do the planning. I got into the store and then I bee-lined it for the meat section because I knew the thing that I was worried about the most when it came to my meal - because I was planning it so last minute – was, were they going to have the meat that I wanted. And in this case, I was making a ham. And I wanted a very specific kind of ham. But of course, I'm going to get you know the bottom of the barrel because I'm coming to the very last minute to do my holiday shopping.
So, I stopped there in the meat department for a moment I considered my options, they didn't really have what I wanted. Well, I could go start on a hunt. There's a couple other stores I could go to, to go search out the perfect ham that I was looking for.; or I could take what they had and make do with it and move on with the rest of my day, which is what I ultimately decided to do. I decided not to go searching for the perfect ham, because I would rather have spent that time home doing other preparations than just trying to get this perfect piece of meat which probably at this point is not going to exist in any of my grocery stores because I am doing some last-minute shopping.
So, I just let go. I had to - in the moment - literally take a deep breath and say 'you know what, I'm going to let go this is going to be fine.
I will figure out how to make the best with what I have here. And I'm going to move on'. So that's literally what I did. And I got home, and we unpacked, and we had had our evening already planned out. My husband was going to make two pies, which he has never done before but he was going to make two pies. And we were going to have leftovers and we were going to watch a Christmas movie with the kids. The kids were going to participate in helping clean up the house because we wanted to vacuum the house on Wednesday night before Thursday - before Thanksgiving, and so forth. So, we kind of had our agenda for the evening and we executed on that agenda. We were able to get the house cleaned up and picked up enough that we could vacuum. My husband jumped into making pies, I sat down with the kids, we watched an entire holiday movie together and enjoyed that time together.
And then they went to sleep. And then after they went to sleep, it was just time for my husband and I. And so, I spent a little time putting together the Thanksgiving Day table ahead of time - we were having nine people over for dinner. So that was fun. And then my husband was in the middle of making his pies. And so, what we ended up doing is he would make part of his dough, and then it would have to rest and then we would watch an episode of Ted Lasso together because we're in the middle of binge watching that. So, this is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, we would watch the Ted Lasso and then he would go back, and he would have to put the pie in or turn the pie or do something like that or start the next one. And I would make popcorn, or I would go back to the little bit of decorating of the table or whatnot. And we'd come back we'd watch another Ted Lasso together. And then at one point I just stood in the kitchen and let him do whatever he was doing with his pies, and we chatted, and I was drinking a glass of wine. And I remember one moment where I just literally like came up to him and I give him the biggest hug and it just felt so good to be here with my husband making pies, laughing hysterically over Ted Lasso, staying up way past our bedtime - we go to bed before 10 o'clock most days. So, I went to bed at like 11:15PM or 11:20PM. He didn't come to bed until midnight. But we had so much fun together.
And this is just the beginning of our holidays together. It was so much fun - even though we were doing things that needed to get done.
So, then we woke up way too early, because the kids got up way too early on Thursday, and they usually get up around six o'clock., and they did not fail to disappoint us in that. So, we were kind of tired. So lazily, I got up and I had my cup of tea and hung out on the couch and kind of closed my eyes while the kids were playing around me. Eventually, we turned on the Thanksgiving Day Parade, which is something that I really wanted to do. So, we sat down, and we watched some of that. I made some bacon for some bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches - because that is one of my favorite meals and I wanted that for brunch. And so, we did that. I started getting together some of my recipes - prepping them, I prepared the asparagus, I cut the carrots, I got all the sauces ready for all of that. I knew exactly when I needed to cook the various things. I had an actual schedule in front of me of - at noon, I need to put the ham in at two o'clock, I need to do this and so forth. So, I had all of that ready to go by the time my dad came along at noon. And he came earlier than the rest of the family because we wanted to play cards. So, he came over, and we in fact, were able to sit down and play almost an entire game of cards before everybody else showed up. So that was a lot of fun. Then my brother and his whole family came up, I have a niece and a nephew, and they were there. We sat down for at least 45 minutes to an hour before I got up and had to finish prepping for the meal. Notice how much rest time - I want you to hear how much rest time is in here. I played cards, I took an hour to talk to my family and not be in the kitchen because I had prepared. I sat down and watched some of the Thanksgiving Day Parade.
There's a lot of rest involved in all of this. So, I just want to make sure you're catching all that.
So then of course we had our meal. And we sat around and chatted for a little bit until - I think - my brother got up and started the dishes. And then of course a couple other people join in and helped him do some of the dishes. And then when he was done, we all sat down, and we had delicious, amazing pies that my husband had made and enjoyed that. And then they took off, and my husband and I sat there and looked at each other for a moment because we were headed out of town. And we had not packed a single thing. Literally, Thanksgiving night my family left, we took about one hour to pack bags. And then we got into the car, and we traveled two and a half hours to my mom's house where we were staying for the weekend. So, we had intentionally not packed anything up till this moment, because we didn't really want to be focusing on leaving our house when we wanted to be present with my family and those that were coming over that we were hosting that day. So, we really didn't pack anything until that moment. We got out our suitcases. The kids were running around like chickens with their head cut off, but they helped us pack a little bit. And I did already have like a list of things I knew I needed to bring from the kitchen. We threw all that together. We got everybody in their jammies, we got in the car. I made some tea; my husband made some coffee and off we went to my mom's house. We got there about 830PM and hung out with my parents, sat up and chatted, had a glass of wine. The kids went to sleep. Eventually we went to sleep, and we got up the next day.
My mom made this amazing meal on Friday. And then I was in charge of the meal the next day on Saturday for everyone I'm not going to go through everything that we did over this time that we were with my mom. But if I could just paint this picture, one room was filled literally like my husband had dumped out an entire box - huge box - of Legos. They were all over the floor and he was helping the kids make a fire station because we have a little pamphlet that told us how to make a fire station, but the pieces were all like in the midst of the rest of all of the other pieces. So, we have one room that is literally the Lego room, and it stayed the Lego room and it stayed chaotic through the entire weekend. And then there was the other room that had a massive craft table in the middle of it that my kids were doing holiday crafts, and my mom would sit with them and do holiday crafts. And then the kitchen was always bustling with something to do - my mom cooking, me cooking. Outside in the garage, there was a mini trampoline for the kids. And it was just a lot, a lot of fun.
Now, on Sunday, we came home. We left around noon, and we stopped to cut down a Christmas tree because of course we should do one more thing. We should add cutting down a Christmas tree - which is in fact our tradition - to come home and bring home with us a cut Christmas tree. So, we went to a Christmas tree farm to cut down a tree. But of course, they were basically out of trees because it was a very small farm. We did not get to cut down our Christmas tree. But then we stopped, eventually, as we got closer to home at a Christmas tree lot. We picked out a tree. We brought it home, we unpacked the car, we brought the tree in, we moved all the furniture out of the way we set up the tree; and then we started to decorate.
Well, first we had to bring up all the boxes, probably 10 boxes of Christmas decorations and so forth. And we brought all of the things up and we never unpacked, we didn't get the coolers unpacked, we really didn't do anything. We just simply brought up the Christmas boxes, and my kids and I set up the Christmas tree basically until it was time to go to sleep. And the house was extremely chaotic as they went to sleep. And I did no more decorating. They were done. And my husband and I sat down and what did we do? Of course, we watched more Ted Lassa because who wouldn't do that? And that was the end of our Thanksgiving week.
Now. I know some people are probably hearing all of this and thinking I'm crazy. I hosted Thanksgiving. Well, first I worked some, I hosted Thanksgiving. I traveled on that same day, and we hung out somewhere else for the whole weekend. I managed another meal while I was there. And then we came home, and we stopped we got a Christmas tree, and we started decorating for Christmas on Sunday night before heading back to work and to school the next day. I mean, I think objectively, some people would say of course, this was a very busy full Thanksgiving week. And of course, it was. It was very full - but I was also very present for all of it.
In the midst of a very busy and chaotic life, there is still an ability to experience balance, because balance.
And being present has nothing to do with how many things you have on your to do list, how many responsibilities you have, how stressful your job is, or your life may be if you're hosting or if you're not hosting. Experiencing balance in the midst of a very full and chaotic schedule is about stopping and thinking intentionally about how much you love what you're doing in the moment. And how much you love the people that you're with and allowing yourself to be filled up with all of the joy of what you're doing.
It's about choosing the things you want to do and letting go of the rest.
We talked a lot about that in last week's podcast. There are a few very present and balanced moments that stood out to me over the course of this very full and chaotic Thanksgiving week. Now the first I talked a lot about and that was that Wednesday before Thanksgiving with my husband where he needed to bake two pies that he had never baked before. We had not packed the thing for the weekend, even though we were leaving. The bathrooms still needed to get cleaned. The Thanksgiving table was not complete. I had not prepared a single thing for my Thanksgiving dinner yet. But instead of doing anything else on my to do list, I stood in the kitchen, and I chatted with my husband. And we watched three episodes of Ted Lasso and we laughed hysterically. I made popcorn, we drank wine, we stayed up way past our bedtime. And at one point, I think I said this already. I put my arms around him, and I just took in this big deep breath, and I allowed myself to feel all of the good feels of that moment.
That is a being present and balanced moment.
Another moment that really stood out to me was when we were at my mom's house, and we chose to play cards. It was nine o'clock in the morning. It was Sunday - it was the day we were leaving. And we put in a movie for the kids because we promised they could watch something. We hadn't packed our bags at all to head home. Our bedrooms were still chaotic. We hadn't pulled the sheets to do the laundry, we hadn't taken showers. We hadn't picked up anything in the house, that Lego room was a complete and total disaster. We had not made breakfast yet, or really what was going to turn out to be brunch, we hadn't done anything, we had all of those things still to do. And instead of doing any of them, we sat down together, and we enjoyed some adult time playing a card game. And then a third one that really stands out to me is when we got home from the weekend, on Sunday, at like five o'clock, the house was filled with all of these boxes of Christmas decor that we had just pulled out. We hadn't unpacked a thing from our trip. Literally, our rolling suitcases were still in the midst of a living room amongst all of these boxes. And instead of doing any of those tasks, my kids and I just started opening boxes and started decorating the Christmas tree. Because that's what we wanted to do.
These were all moments where I chose to participate in activities that were life giving to me, instead of prioritizing, being prepared or having a clean house, or getting a jumpstart on something or packing or cooking or doing some other task that I needed to get done eventually. these were all moments where I chose connection with my family, instead of one more thing on my to do list - where I thought about what I wanted to do, and I chose to do that. Now if you're a high achiever like me, you are likely someone that has a very full schedule. And around the holidays, it could feel like madness, with so many commitments and so many things to do. Now, there are three things that I want you to keep in mind this holiday season to really stay present and maintain your energy even in the midst of a very busy and full holiday season. Just like I had a very busy and full Thanksgiving week. Here are the three things I found that I did, that were really able to keep me present during the midst of all of these tasks and all of these activities and events and commitments that we had.
Number one, you cannot be go-go-going from morning till night. You cannot be go-go- going all the way up until your vacation starts. Every day you have to choose activities that feel restful to you every single day you don't go,go,go and then rest during your vacation, you want to feel a sense of rest at least once every single day. So, you have to plan that time. Maybe it's a morning snuggle time with your kiddos without an agenda or without a phone. Or maybe it's a glass of wine with your husband right after your kids go to sleep, but before you do any other task. Maybe it's in the middle of your day when you take a 20-minute nap. Or when you decide to play cards with your family instead of do something else. On my Thanksgiving Day. even though I knew I was cooking the entire meal, even though I knew that we were packing up as a family and heading out of town for the weekend - I planned, intentionally planned to sit down, and watch part of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. And I planned to sit down with my dad and play an hour of cards with him before the rest of the family came in. And I planned to sit down with the rest of the family and chat and converse and see them, instead of being in the kitchen the whole time. I planned these moments ahead of time. I literally planned a moment - I knew in my brain I was going to stop, and I was going to do some restful activities that I knew were going to be life giving to me instead of being on my feet go-go-going, having to think about the next thing, having to check one more thing off my list. Even as I talk about it, it feels so stressful to me.
I intentionally planned moments that I knew were going to get me to stop and be very focused in this very present moment.
I wasn't just checking off the box, I was doing things that were life giving to me. And consequently, those are the things I look back at and I think about how grateful I am that I did them, because those were where my memories are. Mostly I don't think about how I was zipping from one thing to the other prepping asparagus and prepping carrots and doing all these things I think about when I sat down and played cards with my dad, and I think about when I watched the holiday movie with my kids. And I think about the conversation I had with my sister-in-law, as we were chatting before I got into the kitchen to finish the holiday meal. Those are the memories that stood out, and I had planned them on some level ahead of time I gave myself some space. So, you can't go, go, go all day - you have to plan some activities and some space for doing things that are not just you checking a box.
Now the second thing in order to really stay present and maintain your energy and be balanced during this holiday season - the second thing you need to be doing is - multiple times a day you need to stop and connect with the joy that you're feeling in the moment. There is always something that you can focus your brain on, that brings you joy, even if it's just a little sliver of it. I want you to find the joy in a single moment. And imagine that joy literally filling up your entire body with light and with love. These moments are critical for your brain. They're like moments of reward for your brain for all of the hard work of all of your do, do, do, doings and you're go, go, goings - it's your brain that gets this moment that feels the satisfaction and the joy of everything that you're doing and achieving.
And you want to actually cultivate that sense of satisfaction and joy by intentionally stopping and focusing in on it.
Now, I told you about that moment that I had with my husband on the evening before Thanksgiving when he was making pies, and I was making popcorn. But I had several of these moments over the course of the weekend. I remember one where my son was picking some red berries for a fairy house that he and his sister were making. And I walked with him into the backyard, and he was picking the berries, and I was just watching him without an agenda. I wasn't even helping him. I was just standing on a rock and watching him, and it had been silent for quite some time as he went about picking these berries. And I broke that silence by saying, "Hey, buddy", he took a moment a pause or two. And he said, "Yeah", and I said, "I love you". It was a good while, probably at least five seconds - he never raised his head, he never looked at me. I didn't even know if he had heard me or if he was going to answer me. But finally, he said, "I love you too, Mama, want to miss these moments", my eyes literally filled with tears. I let myself feel all of this love of this moment of watching this tiny human who I love so deeply, do such a mundane activity, to allow myself to express this moment of love to him. And I didn't know if he was going to say anything back. And it didn't really matter, because the entire energy of this moment was so life giving to me. That moment is seared in my brain because I allowed myself to stop and to experience it, to feel it and to allow it to fill me up.
These are the moments that we want you to cultivate in a very present, and balanced holiday season - stopping and allowing yourself to feel all of the good feels that come from all of your activities.
The third thing that I want you to do to really create this present and balanced holiday experience is I do not want you to fill in your extra time during the day with more to-do's. As an ambitious woman, one of the most common things I see - what happens is like, 'Oh, the kids are playing quietly by themselves. Oh, no one needs me on my team right now. I'm just going to quickly do a little holiday shopping right now while I have a chance; or I'm going to go throw this load of laundry in or I'm going to do a quick clean of the kitchen while I have a moment.' That in between time that we have that is not scheduled or planned, it gets filled with other things that need to get done, it gets filled with more to -dos. No. That is not what we want in a balanced and present life.
That in between time is not time to get more things done. It is a time to focus on you - whether that is two minutes, five minutes, or 30 minutes or an hour.
I would love if all of us had in between time - an hour - though that of course is not usual, a magazine, a game that you like to play on your phone, a short nap, a nonfiction book, a quick walk, a time to just sit. In between time, particularly during the holidays needs to be focused on things that fill you up. My husband and I like to steal some time, kind of in between moments, when our kids are playing really well by themselves. We'll literally sneak into another room with our coffee or tea because it's usually in the morning when this happens, and we sit down we chat for however long until they come wandering and find us - which could be just two minutes. Sometimes it's 30 minutes before they realize we're gone, and they come looking for us. You know, when we were at my mom's house, we put on this movie for the kids because we had promised them that we would do that. But we didn't have an agenda for that time, we could have gone to pack our bags at this point. It was like 830 in the morning, and we knew we were going to leave by noon. So, we needed to pack our bags, we needed to do the laundry, we need to take showers we needed to make breakfast, we had all these things that we needed to do.
But we didn't do any of those things. Instead, it was an in between moment that we hadn't planned on.
We all just decided to play cards together. It was an in between activity that we decided to do that was for us. That was life giving to us. And now I'm going to remember us playing cards probably when I look back at this Thanksgiving - that's going to be one of the memories I think of is us adults playing cards a couple of times while the kids either played by themselves or were engaged in something else.
Inside the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms Collective I teach about time management - it's an important part of creating balance - is learning how to be really in control of your time. But one of the things that I teach is that you have to schedule in your to-dos in your calendar. Now the reason I teach this is because I don't want your brain to think that when there's unscheduled time, it's an opportunity for you to do more. Instead, you scheduling all of your to-do's and your tasks so that your brain believes that you have enough time to get everything done. Because if you don't believe you have enough time to get everything done those in between moments, you're going to take them in order to do more things and check more things off the list. So, I want you to schedule all of your to dos in, so that when the unplanned time comes up, you already know 'oh well I've already planned to do that shopping tomorrow, so I don't need to do that right now. Instead, I could just sit here and read this magazine that I haven't read yet'.
That unplanned time is a time I want it to be for you.
This is one of the reasons why working moms are often so exhausted is because they fill all of their in between time with more action instead of rest. Okay, so quick recap here, three things that I want you to keep in mind this holiday season to really stay present and balanced. Number one, you need to schedule in restful activities, you need to plan for them. You don't just do them. If they happen to fit in, you actually put them in your calendar and decide you're going to do them ahead of time. Number two, you stop several times a day, every single day, and find the joy of the moment and let that joy fill your body. And then number three, fill your in between time with things that bring you joy and not more to-do’s. And remember, it's not about making your life less chaotic or less busy, because life with young kids is just simply busy. And if you consider yourself a high achiever, likely you just have a lot of commitments. That's what it's like to live an ambitious life. And you may be someone that actually wants to be less busy, that's fine if you want to be less busy, but what I want you to see is that whether your life is busy or not, or chaotic or not, you can still experience balance and be present in the midst of it.
Now don't forget to join us over the next three weeks in the Be Present During the Holidays challenge which is taking place inside the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms Collective. The challenge started today, but there's still so much time to take advantage of all of the extra support that is taking place during the holidays to ensure that you have a memory filled calm, but full holiday season. Okay working moms - let’s get to it.
