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In this podcast today I’m going to talk about a word we all use that is often the source of imbalance: SHOULD. Working moms have a bad habit of shoulding. This is when you say “I really should…” or “I should have …” Shoulding is a habit that only makes us feel bad about ourselves and thus has to end in order to truly create a life of balance.
In this episode I’m going to go into detail on shoulding and why it’s a problem. I’m going to show you how it is stealing away your time, contributing to a lack of confidence, and making you feel not enough and then I will give you a 5 step process to end the cycle of shoulding.
Topics In This Episode:
The bad habit of shoulding
How shoulding leads to a lack of confidence
How shoulding sucks away your time
The trap of comparing ourselves to others
When you say “should” you’re really saying “I’m not enough”
The 5 steps to end shoulding
Show Notes:
Want to learn the building blocks to creating a balanced life and join other working moms who are doing the same? Check out the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective, a lifetime membership that includes 30 videos and workbooks, weekly coaching and a supportive Facebook community to support you in creating an ambitious and balanced working mom life no matter your circumstance. Check it out at www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/coaching.
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Transcription
Intro
In this podcast today I’m going to talk about a word we all use that feels so ingrained in us we likely don't even know we’re using it. A word that traps us as working moms making us feel like we are not enough and that we should be doing more, you ready for it? Should.
Working moms have a bad habit of shoulding. Yes, you heard me right shoulding. This is anytime you say “I really should…” or “I should have …”. Shoulding is a habit that only makes you feel bad about yourself and thus has to end in order to truly create a life of balance.
So in this episode, I’m going to go into detail on shoulding and why it’s a problem. I’m going to show you how it is stealing away your time, contributing to a lack of confidence and making you feel like you are not enough and then I will give you a 5 step process to end the shoulding.
You ready? Let’s get to it.
Welcome to the ambitious and balanced working mom podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you’re looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home then this is the place for you. I’m your host Rebecca Olson, let’s get to it!
Ambitious and balanced working moms hello! I am feeling so on fire today after having spent three days creating the content for my upcoming program The Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective. I'm going to be sharing so much more about this program in the coming weeks but I'm just gonna hint at it here, it's good. I broke down all of the foundational pieces for how you create work-life balance no matter your circumstance. Because that's the whole point, right? We don't want balance or happiness to be dependent on our jobs or any other circumstance that feels somewhat outside of our control. This program is going to teach you how to do just that. I'm gonna let you marinate in that a little bit and I'll be sharing more in the coming weeks but the point being I am feeling so good about what's to come!
And in this podcast today we're going to talk about the behavior that traps us as working moms: I call it, shoulding. Yes, you heard me right shoulding. This is anytime you say “I really should…” or “I should have …”. Shoulding is a habit that only makes you feel bad about yourself and thus has to end in order to truly create a life of balance.
So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to go into detail on shoulding and why it’s a problem. I’m going to show you how it is stealing away your time, contributing to a lack of confidence and making you feel not enough and then, I will give you a 5 step process to end the shoulding.
What is shoulding?
Ok, let's start with defining what I mean by shoulding. Shoulding means that you are holding yourself to a standard or a value based on unquestioned expectations. Shoulds are “unwritten rules", or family expectations, and societal standards that you've adopted because you feel you're expected to, because you have never questioned it, not because you want to or believe in it.
Here’s the thing: shoulds aren't based on the things that are most important to you. They're based on what others are doing and what others value. So they may or may not work for you and your family.
When we let go of the shoulds and start living life by evaluated expectations, expectations that are based on our values, our goals, our desired life we allow space to create the balanced life we all desire.
Shoulding undermines our confidence.
The first problem with shoulding is that it undermines our confidence. It is dripping with self-judgment. Shoulding is like sitting in a bath full of negative thoughts about yourself. There's absolutely no way to fill in the sentence “I really should…” with something that makes you feel good about yourself. Really sit with that for a moment. Every time you say I should it makes you feel bad. It makes you feel like you're not measuring up, that you're not good enough, that you're not doing enough, that you're doing it wrong. The first step that I teach in creating an ambitious and balanced life is confidence - you have to feel really good about you if you're going to create a balanced life. And shoulding undermines our confidence, always.
Shoulding goes hand-in-hand with comparison.
The second problem was shoulding is that it's most often used when we are comparing ourselves to other people. When we should we are taking on other people's expectations as our own without evaluating or deciding that it’s really good for us. So we're looking at our friends and we're looking at their life and we think they've got something figured out and so we decide that we should do whatever it is that they’re doing, except the problem is that that is their life, based on their own set of values and expectations - which are extremely different to our own. So what they're doing probably won't work for us, it might not even be working for them, and it certainly doesn’t likely fit into the values and circumstances of our own life.
An example of comparison in action.
So let me give you an example, your friend somehow manages to make a home-cooked meal for dinner almost every night. Talk about a “have it all together” kind of person. And yet for many women, this is hard to achieve on a regular basis. Getting home at 5:00 o'clock or later doesn't often afford the time to cook a home-cooked meal and yet it's an expectation that we often have that makes us feel rushed and guilty and like we are failing. And yet, eating a home-cooked meal might not be the most important thing to focus on for you. It might not fit into the expectations that you want to place on yourself and the values that you have as a family. Instead, maybe you would rather spend that time spending 30 minutes of uninterrupted time with your kid, which is the same amount of time you would spend cooking. Maybe that’s more important to you. This standard that your friend is likely not a should that works for you. It just simply makes you feel bad.
Rest is an important aspect of a balanced life.
Here's another one, your boss is always available. Phone is always on, they always seem to be “online” and you feel like you should be too. That being available is what makes you a good manager or boss or teammate or worker. It seems like a harmless expectation, maybe even a good expectation, but yet what happens when we decide to go offline to spend time with our kids or go on vacation? What happens when you try to spend a dedicated amount of time on a project, like head downtime on a project, and turn off all notifications on your phone? Well, this expectation of being available becomes a direct conflict with that. And so, you feel like you’re letting your boss or your team down. Or you think that maybe you're not as dedicated or committed a worker. But is it really true? That being available at all times is the best thing for you or your team? Probably not. When we are available at all hours we overwork. We are always ON and we never rest. Rest is an important aspect of a balanced life. We have to turn our brains off at some point. But not only that, being available all the time is not helpful to our teams or our employees. Because we don't challenge them to problem solve on their own, to build knowledge that comes with problem-solving, and develop the skill set answering their own questions. “I should be available…” isn’t an expectation that creates the life YOU want.
Shoulding and not feeling enough.
Ok, so why else is “shoulding” a problem – it usually comes with feeling “not enough”. If you truly should be doing something and you're not, you feel like there's something wrong with you, like you're not good enough. Right so, you have a presentation and you miss the mark on some aspect of it, you likely tell yourself “I really should have known that” or “I really should have known to do better.” which makes you feel not good enough. When you see your to-do list and it’s a mile long and you can't seem to find the time to get through it all, you likely think “I should be doing more” or “I should be able to figure out how to do these things.” again like what you're doing is not enough. When you only have 90 minutes to spend with your newborn at the end of a workday before they go to bed you can't figure out how to not be completely exhausted during this time, you likely think “I should be spending more time with her...I should be more present...” which leads to that thought, “I'm not a good enough mom”. When we should we are often saying that we don't meet a particular standard and thus aren't enough. But again this feeds the cycle of low confidence. We can't be constantly pushing ourselves to do more, or achieve more or be more if we want to create a balanced life because more, more, more speeds us up instead of slows us down.
Shoulding is a waste of time.
And the last problem, I want to bring up when it comes to shoulding, is that it’s simply a time waste. When we're focused on what we should be doing we aren't focused on what we are doing. We're focused on what we haven't done instead of what we have. I want you to think about this for a moment, when you're working on a project, feeling confident about your work, and thinking you're right on schedule, how effective are you with your time? Vs when you're working on a project feeling like you should be further along and questioning yourself all along the way, how effective are you with your time then? There is a big difference, our energy plays a big part in the effectiveness of our time and our productivity. When we are feeling really good about us and what we are doing and what we are accomplishing, we accomplish more. Rather than when we feel really terrible about us and what we have accomplished then we accomplish less.
Alright so to recap here, shoulding undermines our confidence and engrosses us in comparison and makes us feel like we're not enough, and ultimately wastes our time. Sounds like a word or a phrase that we should remove from our vocabulary and our thoughts.
Think about the times when you say should.
Let's talk about how to do that. Because for most of us, we do this unknowingly. We don’t even think about the idea of when we are saying should or thinking should. And what’s going to have to happen is you’re going to have to become aware a lot more around how often you’re saying it. This truly is the first step in stopping the shoulding. You have to tune your ears into when you are saying this. Take an inventory right now, when do you or in what area of life do you tend to should. Think about the areas of life you tend to compare yourself to two others or feel like you're not quite measuring up or where you are not managing your time well. There is likely a bunch of shoulds to be uncovered. You can pause the podcast, or come back to this exercise and write down all the shoulds that you can uncover and of course add to it as you go about your day-to-day life and you discover how often you are telling yourself this.
So the first step is to simply become aware of your shoulding and tune your ears in like it was a radio dial of when, where, and how often you say it.
Normalize our brain’s way of thinking.
Step #2 is to normalize it. We all do it, I've just spent the last 10 minutes describing to you why it's a problem, in reality, your brain only thinks it's serving you. Your brain is always trying to optimize your time and your energy to make you the most successful. And so when it offers you a should, it thinks it's bringing awareness to your growth and pointing out some inconsistencies with what it is you want in your life, and your brain doesn't see this as a problem and it's totally normal. Whenever we normalize a thought or a feeling we strip the judgment out of it because whenever we feel something and we think we shouldn't be feeling it - did you just hear me say it, this should word? We do this a lot with our emotions and our thoughts. We think we shouldn't be feeling a certain way or shouldn't be thinking a certain way - it only makes us feel bad. So the second step is to simply normalize it and remind our brain that it's totally normal for it to offer that thought responding that way.
Question your thought patterns, is it really true?
Step #3 is to question if it's really true. Just because our brain thinks we should be doing something or operating in some way doesn't mean it's true! We need to question it! Decide for ourselves. So when your brain offers to you that you should be spending more time with your baby and that you're not a good mom because of it, you need to question it! Is it true that you're not really a good mom? Is time what makes you a good mom? Of course not! You may want more time, but it has no bearing on if you or a good mom or not a good mom. Should you really be further ahead on that project? Is there still time to get it done? Have you been able to get things done during crunch time before? Of course, you have and they've turned out great! So, step 3 is to take the moment and question, is what your brain is offering you actually true?
Focus on the positive of what you have already achieved.
Step #4 is to focus your brain on what you have or what is good, instead of the lack. Because remember, shoulding is often just a focus on what we don't have instead of what we do. So we want to take a moment and just refocus our brain to the abundance of life, the things that are going well, the good things about us, the ways that we have achieved, the things we have accomplished, in order to get our brain out of lack and into sufficiency. So if you're feeling behind on a project, instead of indulging in what you haven't accomplished take a moment to think about the progress you've made. At the end of the workday when you feel like you should have gotten more done, instead of focusing and all of the unfinished projects, focus on the projects or the pieces of the projects that you did achieve. Instead of focusing on the time that you don't have with your child, focus on the time you do get. Focusing on the moment that you have in front of you, focusing on all of the positive parts of life, that is going to help you build up sufficiency, help you to feel that you are enough, that your life is enough, that you have enough. And a sufficient life is a balanced life.
Step #5 is to use the moment as a tool for determining your own expectations and values. Because remember, shoulding is always based on some set of cultural or societal, or familial standards that we've adopted and never questioned. So it's time to question them. Is making a home-cooked meal the most important thing to you every night? Is going after a promotion what it is you really want? Is always being available by phone or email the standard you want to set? Is saying yes to every meeting the best use of your time? Shoulds are unquestioned expectations and we want to use the moment when we say I should to decide if that's the expectation that we want to live by. Want is the most important word there. A balanced life is a life filled with want-to’s not have-to’s.
4 steps to stop saying should.
Gain awareness to when, where, and how you “should”.
Normalize the “shoulding” – it’s just your brain's way of trying to help you.
Question the should – is it really true?
Focus on what you DO have – fuel yourself with sufficiency.
Let the should’s catapult you into evaluating the expectations and deciding if it's an expectation you still want to live by.
Ok working moms, I’d love to hear how this goes. My email is always included in the show notes and I’d love to hear from you. What was helpful? What topics do you want me to cover in future podcasts? This is YOUR resource. I’m here to help. I’d love to hear from you.
Ok…let’s get to it.
Outro
I hope you enjoyed this episode today. If you’re looking to create a life where your career and your home life never feel at odds, where you are working less but achieving at the same level. A life without regret where you know you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, then join the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective. This is a group of ambitious working moms who believe that work-life balance is possible for them and they are committed to creating it. The program includes 30 short videos and workbooks that will teach you how to create the building blocks of a balanced life as well as weekly group coaching and in-depth support within a Facebook community. Oh, and did I mention that when you join the community you get lifetime access? That means you have access to coaching and material to help support your balanced life in every season. The Ambitious and Balanced Collective launches in June but you can get a sneak peek of what to expect and get some pretty sweet bonuses if you join early. You can find all this information on my website at www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/coaching
