Time management is not the problem

Follow the show:

Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts | Everywhere else

Most working moms think time-management is the key to work-life balance. If you could just learn how to achieve more in less time, then you won’t feel so stressed and overwhelmed, right? In today’s episode, I will share with you why work-life balance is not a time management problem and instead, offer 3 alternatives to the problem with a first step solution for each.

Topics in this episode:

  • 3 alternatives to the time management problem

  • Why getting more done does not actually create balance

  • Why time management is the LAST thing you need to learn when creating work-life balance

  • Upholding boundaries is actually an emotion issue

  • The importance of believing in yourself, when creating balance

  • 3 specific first steps you can take today toward better balance

Show Notes & References:

Enjoying the podcast?

Transcript


Intro

Hey working moms. Today on the podcast, I am doing a listener requested topic. Today we're going to talk about time management and what is at the heart of it. Most working moms think time management is the solution to work life balance. Meaning, if you could just learn how to achieve more in less time, if you could be more productive, then you'll be able to experience balance. In today's episode, I want to share with you why - if you are experiencing imbalance in your life right now, why this is not a time management problem. And instead, I will offer three alternatives to the problem with a first step solution to each of them. I am bringing the truth in this episode today with lots of tangible next steps. So, are you ready? Let's get to it. 


Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms Podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you're looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home, then this is the place for you. I'm your host, Rebecca Olson. Let's get to it. 


So, periodically on the podcast, if you listen all the way through, I ask at the end if anyone has suggestions for podcast topics. I love hearing from my listeners around what is going on in their life. I love being able to craft solutions for working moms very specifically. And so every once in a while, I ask for your suggestions and I get feedback, I get emails, I get messages on social media, and I start hearing from working moms specifically around what is going on in their life. 


This happened recently, and I received a message from a working mom, and I want to start out by reading her message to you. ‘I think my biggest struggle is time management. I swear I'm up at 5am and I don't stop until I crash at night. And even when the kids go to bed, there's more work or school picture forms or taxes or passport renewals, et cetera. Some days I barely walk the dog. You may have already covered it, but I figured I'm not the only one.’... And then she gives me a kind of silly face, tongue sticking out emoji. That was her message to me. 


Now, I love her last line. You may have already covered it, but I figured I'm not the only one. And I love this last line because I talk about time management all the time. It is one of my five steps in my five step process where we reorient your schedule around your priorities and the things that you've named as most important. And I know that this working mom is a dedicated listener, so she has probably heard a lot of my podcasts and have simply forgotten the fact that I teach this a lot. 


If you don't coach with me on a weekly basis, for sure all of these topics are probably not going to be top of mind for you. And generally speaking, most people need to hear a concept, particularly a new concept, between 6 and 20 times before they really remember or retain any of the information. Our brains are just sort of stubborn and resist new things all of the time. So it doesn't surprise me that her brain has just simply forgotten that she's heard this topic and she sort of knows what to do. 


But my guess is the way I talk about time and time management is just different than the way that you have probably thought about it in the past, and your brain sort of has a default way of thinking about it, and so it needs to probably just hear it one more time, if not probably another ten times. So we're going to be talking very specifically about time management in this episode. I want to directly answer this working mom's question around time management and the exhaustion that she's feeling. 


But there is a reason why time management is the fifth step of my process and not the first, but most people go about trying to end their exhaustion and find a better balance by starting with time management, because they think, if I could just get more done, then I can rest. They think rest happens when you have less pressing things to do, when you have less things to do, when things are less busy or less stressful, when your to-do list is less, then balance is unlocked for you in some way, it's possible for you in some way. And if these things were true, it would make sense to start with learning how to manage your time differently and learning how to be more productive and efficient with your time. 


Balance isn't going to magically happen.

I don't deny that being more productive and efficient with your time would be useful. I mean, of course it would. If you could figure out how to get seven things done instead of five in the same amount of time, that would be super useful to you, right? But balance isn't going to magically happen for you at that point. It has you chasing and getting more things done as the solution - which, generally speaking, when we're talking about creating more work-life balance, we're not talking about doing more, we're talking about resting more and having more space in your life and unplanned time, fun time. 


Most working moms I know don't want to be living a life where they're up at 5am and not stopping until they crash in bed, right? That's a life of exhaustion and burnout just like this working mom expressed in her message to me. So even though this mom told me time management was what she wanted to hear about and it was her problem, I know that this is only the symptom of the problem. It's not the problem itself. 


I want to offer to you three reasons why you might be struggling with time management. My goal, as I give these to you, is to help you get to the bottom of where the problem actually lies so that you can address the actual problem at the core. 


Know what your priorities are.

The first reason you might be struggling with time management is that you don't actually know your priorities, in which case you have a clarity problem, not a time management problem. Now, I find women struggle with this when they first become moms, right during that identity crisis moment that we all seem to face once we have kids. I did a recent podcast episode on this, it was called the identity crisis after motherhood. So I'm going to put that in the show notes in case this in particular resonates with you. Because for sure, your priorities change after having kids. And if you haven't stopped to consider what your new priorities are, then you're likely going to continue the things that you are prioritizing before your kids came along. 


Things like always being available to your team, even past work hours, or meeting every deadline, even if it requires you to work late or on the weekends. With my clients, I push them to think beyond just the general family as a priority and getting more specific - uninterrupted playtime with your kids, conversation around the dinner table. When you have that level of clarity of your priorities, it's a lot easier to prioritize them and make time for them. 


If you don't have this level of specificity around the things that you want to actually prioritize and make time for and for the things that you don't, your brain is likely just going to prioritize all the things that it used to. Which is likely making sure everyone is pleased with you. That your work is always at an A or an A+ level. And that no one is ever wanting something from you. That sounds exhausting, right, just thinking about those old priorities. So it's not a time management problem, it's a clarity problem. 


I remember having a conversation with one of my clients around getting her kids out the door and to school because she was always struggling with this moment. It was a moment that she felt very flustered in, that she was constantly getting frustrated with the kids. And it was kind of sending her into her work day feeling really exhausted and guilty, ultimately, because she was oftentimes very angry at her kids or kind of pushing them in ways that she didn't want to. When we got down to the crux of what was most important in these moments, she was able to articulate that the priority was connection. It wasn’t actually not being on time. She was willing to let go of time and needing to be on time and punctuality for connection with her kids. 


It's not a time management problem, it's a clarity problem. 

And we got really specific on what that meant and how it meant leaving some space to get down on one knee and talk to her son who was feeling overwhelmed with getting all his things in his book bag or getting his shoes on or whatever it may be. We got really specific with that. But until that moment, her brain kept prioritizing the old way and the old priorities, which was punctuality and caring about how other people viewed her as she came into the office. It's not a time management problem, it's a clarity problem. 


Or the second reason you might in fact be struggling with time management is that you do in fact, know exactly what you want to be. Prioritizing it just feels bad. Prioritizing it because it will require you to say no to people and opportunities, and it will require you to stick to your boundaries, meaning leaving work at the time that you say, not logging back on, not working on the weekends, and not always being on your phone or available on your phone, and protecting time that you have on your calendar for just you and your projects. And likely when you do that, people are going to be frustrated or disappointed or disgruntled with you, particularly at the beginning, and you're going to feel bad when that happens. So it's not a time management problem, it's an emotional processing problem. 


It's not a time management problem, it's an emotional processing problem.

Denying meeting requests so that you can get your own work done might leave you feeling guilty and like you've let people down, but it will be required if you're going to be more proactive in what you get done so you're not just always putting out fires or doing the easiest thing, leaving work at 4pm so that you can go pick up your daughter from daycare every day and take her to soccer practice so you can have a couple of solid hours with her before you have to put her to bed might require you leaving the office when everybody is still there. 


It's likely going to leave you feeling like you're not a team player and worried about how people are feeling and maybe that they're resenting you. But it's going to be required if you want to prioritize being at your daughter's soccer game or being the one that helps her with her homework after school, or just having 30 minutes of solid quality time with her before evening meltdown mode begins, or walking away from your to-do list when you've only achieved two out of the ten things you hope to get done today. But it's time to leave and you got to get home to your family. 


Emotions can get in the way of us holding our boundaries.

When you hold that boundary and leave the eight things undone, you will likely feel anxious about that and feel like you're a bit behind. Notice all of the potentially icky emotions that come when you hold your boundaries. Guilt, letting people down, worry, anxiety, inadequacy, overwhelm. These are all of the emotions that are getting in the way of you being able to actually hold to your boundaries and prioritize the things that actually matter to you. And unless you learn how to process these emotions, you're likely going to avoid them. So, it's not a time management problem, it's an emotional processing problem.


You don’t want to fail.

And the third reason you may have a time management problem is you don't want to fail. Which also means that you can't delegate. And the reason you can't fail or you want to avoid failing is because so much of who you are is wrapped up in what you do. You only have amazing thoughts about yourself when you're succeeding and doing all of the quote unquote right things. And the reason you don't delegate is that you can't let go of control, because people probably can't do it exactly the way you can do it. And when they do it wrong, or they don't do it up to your standard, you might look bad, which is failure, or you don't want them to fail, which is, likely inevitable if you start delegating tasks to them that they've never done because you're going to look poorly when they fail. 


This is not a time management problem, it is a belief in self problem. 

Or you can't delegate because your people are just so overwhelmed and burned out just like you, and you don't want to give them one more thing to do that's going to contribute to their overwhelm. Because then you won't feel like a good manager, a good, supportive, loving manager. This is not a time management problem, it is a belief in self problem. Meaning it's a problem with the way that you view yourself. Your self worth, how good you are, is dependent on not failing and getting everything right and everyone being happy with you. And when you're not doing everything right, or when you're potentially failing, all of your thoughts about yourself and your belief in self becomes really shaky. And you forget how amazing and how awesome you are. When who you are stops being dependent on that, you will naturally be able to hold to your boundaries and prioritize things differently. Meaning that you will have better time management. Working moms, it's not a time management problem. 


Decide which of these three things is actually the problem.

If I were to teach you how to achieve more in less time and be more productive, it would be a fruitless effort, unless you were to address the root problem underneath it. The clarity problem, the emotional processing problem, or the belief in self problem. Your first step in time management, which means better work life balance, which is what we all want, is to decide which of these three things is actually the problem. Or maybe it's two of them, or all of them, and start to address them at a core level. 


If the problem is clarity, your first step is to sit down with a pencil and a paper and write out what your actual priorities are. Get really specific with it, or maybe start with getting clear with what your priorities are not or what they have been in the past. 


If it's an emotional processing problem, your first step is to learn how to start naming and sitting with icky feeling emotions, literally. I want you to start taking an inventory of how you feel throughout the day, good and bad. Set a timer for every 30 minutes. Just take two minutes and check in with yourself. What are you feeling? What's that emotion? What are the sensations that are associated to it? I did a podcast a while ago on seven things that you need to know about emotions. I highly recommend this if you notice that this is, at the core, part of your problem when it comes to time management. So I will definitely link to that in the show notes.


If it's a belief in self problem, your first step is to build up an arsenal of amazing thoughts about yourself and about who you are at the core. Not through the lens of anything that you do, but just who you are. Your unique talents, your amazing qualities, your god given strengths. You have to know these things and believe in them without any external evidence. Meaning it doesn't matter if you succeed or fail in your endeavors or if you're right. These things always remain true about you. 


This is actually the first step of my five step process. Belief in yourself. It's feeling confident in yourself in a completely different way that feels unshakable, where it doesn't matter if you get everything done, or if you nail every presentation, or if everybody likes you. 


The second step of my five step process is clarity. Knowing exactly what is most important to you and why. Feeling crystal clear on what you want most out of life and out of your career. 


The third step is learning how to redirect your mind when you find that it is running amok and it is making you feel really bad and you have all of this negative self-talk. It's about learning how to redirect those self sabotaging thoughts in the moment and then learning how to get rid of them. Always. 


The fourth step is learning how to stick to your boundaries by processing your emotions, just like we talked about today. 


And then your fifth step is learning how to achieve more in less time. It's about time management and learning how to use your time more effectively. 


Remember, balance is a feeling.

These are the five steps that I walk all of my clients through. And when you go through them, work life balance is going to be inevitable for you. Remember, balance is a feeling. It's not some magical combination of work time versus family time versus personal time. It's an internal experience. It's the opposite of exhaustion. No amount of productivity tips or optimization of time is going to allow you to achieve this. It isn't about getting your circumstances right or your job right, or your kids to stop tantruming. It doesn't mean you have a to-do list that is always short. It's about feeling balanced. It does not depend on your circumstance because it is something that happens inside of you when you learn how to manage what you think and how you feel…


And I teach you this five step process in coaching. I walk you through each of the steps and make sure that you are an expert at them over the course of our six months together. If you're ready to get started, you want to learn more about this process, take me up on that free coaching call that I offer. It's called a Breakthrough Call, and I will put a link to that in the show notes www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/book, where you can fill out a short form and schedule a time directly on my calendar. 


Conclusion.

Working moms, this is not a time management problem. Work life balance is not a time management problem. Exhaustion is not a time management problem. I want you to achieve and take ownership and learn how to create balance in your life always. No matter your circumstances, no matter how many things you have on your to-do list, no matter your commitments, no matter if your kids are melting down, no matter if your whole team stays and works later than you, I want you to always be in control of work life balance. That is at the heart of what we do in coaching. I believe in you, and I believe in what's possible for you. 


All right, working moms, you should know exactly what you need to do next. Follow the first steps I shared with you earlier in this podcast, or reach out and schedule that free Breakthrough Call. Have a great week working moms, and let's get to it. 


Thanks for listening to this week's episode. If you want a little extra support as a working mom, I invite you to download my free training the Secret to Ending Your Workday at 5pm. In this free training, I teach you how to shut down your computer and your work brain at exactly the time you want without all those feelings of guilt and like you need to log back on. By the end of this training, you will know exactly what you need to think and do in order to fully engage with your family, even after a long workday. 


To sign up for the training, you can go to www.ambitiousandbalancedcollective.com/end-work-at-5pm. If you didn't catch all that, don't worry. Check the show notes for a direct link. All right working moms, let's get to it

Rebecca Olson