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No one would argue that self-care is an important part of staying sane as working moms and yet for many women it is extremely hard to do. We just simply aren’t the priority. But it’s not like we don’t know what we need to do in order to prioritize ourselves, it’s that we aren’t doing it. In this episode I want to share with you the secret to unlocking how to prioritize yourself and give you the truth to why you aren’t doing it.
Topics in this episode:
You don’t need a road map to prioritize yourself because you already know what to do
5 powerful beliefs that unlocks the ability to prioritize you
The main reason you don’t put yourself first (and it’s not what you think)
Self-care flows out of a confident person
Taking ownership over my positive and negative habits
Teaching your brain how to believe in yourself
Show Notes & References:
Learn to shift out of negative self-talk and to adopt an “always enough” mindset by signing up for a free coaching call. Click here to book: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/book
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Transcript
Intro
Working Moms, hello! Today on the podcast, I want to share with you a past episode. Now, it aired almost a year and a half ago, but it feels so relevant to today as you take time off for the holidays, as you start thinking about the new year and the goals you have for yourself, you ready for it? Today, we're going to talk about the secret to prioritizing yourself.
Now, for almost every ambitious working mom I know, prioritizing yourself is not easy. Your list at work is probably a mile long. There's always soccer to sign up for, a birthday present to buy for the birthday party your kid is going to go to tomorrow. The house is a mess. Lunch boxes need to be emptied.
There is work and life, and you are at the bottom of the list, which inevitably leads to burnout. Or it leads to a life where you are constantly waiting for the weekends or vacations in order to truly rest and feel good and happy in your life. No more working moms.
In this episode, I want to teach you what is at the heart of prioritizing you. This isn't a how to list. There are not five easy steps, because knowing what to do is likely not the problem. You know what to do. It's that you aren't doing the things that you know you should be doing. So I'm going to explain why that is and share with you exactly what it takes in order for you to put yourself back up at the top of the list. You ready? Working moms, let's get to it.
Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you're looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home, then this is the place for you. I'm your host, Rebecca Olson. Let's get to it.
This is not an episode about scheduling in me time - though for sure, that is something that you should do. This is also not an episode where I'm going to tell you that you should take more baths, that you should get your nails done, or spend some more time with your girlfriends now and again, though, of course, you should probably do those things too. This is not an episode about finding a hobby, something to occupy your time so you're not always focused on just taking care of the kids and working, but of course, you should probably do that too.
What you believe about you has everything to do with your ability to prioritize yourself
This is an episode about your relationship with you and the way that you treat yourself, the words that you use to describe yourself, the thoughts that you have about yourself, the way you care for yourself. It's about what you believe about you. Because what you believe about you has everything to do with your ability to prioritize yourself.
So that's what we're focusing on in this podcast, not what you have to be doing, but what you have to be believing. Because most people know what prioritizing themselves kind of looks like, right? They know what they should be doing. They should be scheduling in time for themselves, leaving work at the time they said they're going to leave work, not taking on responsibilities or projects that they don't really want to do. They need to be spending money on themselves, taking vacation time unplugging over the weekend, not settling for inequitable household duties, essentially always being the one that's cleaning or managing the house. They need to be doing something that's fun just because it's fun.
…Like, I can go on and on because these are the things that I do and I see a lot of women do when they start prioritizing themselves. These are the actions that we take when we begin to prioritize themselves.
You know what you need to do for you…but do you do it?
Now, when I talk to my clients about prioritizing themselves, most of them say something like, oh, I just need to be better at scheduling in time for myself, or saying no, or not logging back on, or scheduling my vacation, letting people be disappointed. Or maybe they'll tell me, I know I really should. I should go for that walk and just let my husband care for the kids, or I should hire that house cleaner, or I should ask my boss if I can work from home a couple of days a week or get a massage. They know what to do - that isn't the issue.
It reminds me a lot of when we try to lose weight. What you need to be doing to lose weight is really not all that complicated, right? You need to exercise and you need to eat healthy, right? I'm generalizing it, of course, but generally speaking, there really is just a combination of these two things that lead to losing weight.
So it's not as if we don't know what we need to be doing to lose weight. It's just that we're not doing it. And most would say that they just need to feel more motivated, like they need to muster up some level of willpower in order to do it. As if motivation and willpower are the missing link. They know that they should be doing this, but because they can't seem to do it, even though that they know they should, it's motivation and willpower. That's the thing that must be lacking. But most people don't really know how to conjure up motivation and willpower on demand, and so they feel stuck.
So this is the cycle that many working moms describe to me when we talk about learning how to prioritize themselves, but I want to talk about what's actually happening. You have all of these prioritizing me things that you know you should be doing, right? Like the things I mentioned earlier, saying no, leaving work on time, leaving the house a mess, sometimes guilt free time to yourself. These are the things that you're not doing and instead you're likely doing some of the opposite.
Feeling guilty when you steal away time for yourself
You're doing the things that prioritize others instead. You're saying yes. You're working late, you're working on the weekends, you're the one always cooking and cleaning. You're feeling guilty when you steal away time for yourself, all of these actions flow out of just a few emotions, with the top being inadequacy, simply feeling not good enough. You're not prioritizing yourself because you don't feel good enough. So you do more. You say yes to more people. You don't want to let anyone down. You don't want your kids to feel bad. You don't want anyone to feel disappointed in you because any or all of those things would prove that you aren't, in fact, good enough.
Feeling inadequate always leads to doing more.
And for an ambitious woman, feeling inadequate always leads to doing more and feeling the need to prove. If you looked at this from the other side from a different angle, you can say that someone that feels adequate and good enough always seems to be able to prioritize themselves. Many of us would describe this kind of a woman as being very confident, right?
So take a moment even now and bring to mind someone that you admire for being able to hold to their boundaries unplug after work, take vacations, they have hobbies, they schedule time for themselves and their needs. Bring to mind this example of a woman that prioritizes themselves.
Now, do you think that they do these things because they feel adequate and good about themselves or because they feel inadequate and not good about themselves?
Women that prioritize themselves feel adequate.
Of course, it's the first. It doesn't even make sense to think that this woman that prioritizes themselves would do so from a place of feeling inadequate. Right? No. women that prioritize themselves feel adequate. They feel good about who they are, what they do, the kind of mom they are, the impact that they're making in this world, and their beliefs about themselves are extremely high.
And that's why in this podcast, I said that we're not talking about what you need to be doing to prioritize yourself. We're talking about what you need to be believing.
I want to offer to you five of the most powerful thoughts that I believe about myself and all of my clients that have really unlocked the ability to put myself first. I'm going to read them to you, but then we're going to talk about each one of them.
I am valuable.
I have something to offer.
I am necessary.
I am always in control.
My best is always good enough.
We are born with value.
So let's talk about the first - I am valuable. Now, I talked about this on my podcast before I'll link it up in the show notes. It was episode five where I talked about your human value versus your accomplished value. But here's the thing I really want to point out with this belief, we are born with value. You don't have to do anything to prove it. You don't have to earn it, because you are innately valuable.
And here's what I believe - I just have to show up and I bring value. My very presence is valuable. I know this because when I walk into a room, people are impacted by my presence. I actually have my clients go through an exercise of asking a few close friends and family the impact that they have when they walk into a room because I believe this so deeply. I believe that our presence is valuable. That we actually don't have to do anything in order to be valuable. And I want to teach their brains to believe the same thing.
When I walk into a room or when somebody is in my presence, they feel this sense of depth from me. That's what people say. I have a natural way of inviting people in, making people feel like they belong with me, even if I don't know them. It's the way I smile. It's the way I carry myself. It's my energy. I am valuable. It's not egocentric to believe this about yourself or that I believe this about me, because I believe this about everyone.
I believe every single person is valuable and that their presence is valuable.
I have something to offer the world.
The second belief is that I have something to offer. This is the belief that I inherently am meant to do something in this world that impacts the world for good. And because I believe this about myself, I always feel needed. Life always feels purposeful to me. It's not about getting my career right, as if there's this very narrow way that I am meant to offer myself in this world. No. Instead, I believe I have something to offer every single day that I wake up.
Sometimes my clients get what I have to offer, and sometimes my kids get what I have to offer. Or sometimes both. Or sometimes it's my husband or my neighbor or some random person that happens to read my Facebook posts that day. But every single day, I wake up believing that I have something to give and that I give it.
I am necessary and needed.
The third belief is I'm necessary. Essentially, this is just the belief that I'm needed. Like, the world is actually more valuable because I exist in it. I hold this belief about everyone. Everyone in this world is necessary. That's what makes being human so amazing. It's that everyone has a role to play. It's not just about your job or your career, and that you have, you know, this very boxed in value or necessity. It's just simply that you are a person, and that you are a person that is designed to be a certain way. And that when you show up in the world and exist, it's necessary. The world is a better place because of you. You're necessary.
I am in control of the good AND bad in my life.
The fourth belief is that I'm always in control. This is a really important belief that I have about myself because it really puts me in the driver's seat of my life. I don't want to do life out of obligation or because of a belief that I have to. Life is not just happening to me. I am creating it, both the good and the bad. I actually really want to take ownership over the bad. I want to believe that I'm in control of that, too, because then that allows me to actually change it.
If I believe that the bad is just happening to me, that I'm not in control of it, that it's a part of my circumstances, then all of a sudden I lose control, right? I'm not in the driver's seat of my life to believe I'm not in control. It feels too powerless to me, and it feels like I'm at the whim of other people.
Now, if you know me on a more personal level, you know that I'm also a Christian, that I'm a Jesus follower. So this belief about myself can kind of feel a little bit tricky, because I do, in fact, believe that there are other forces at work for me, namely God, and that he has an influence over my life. But because I am in control of my spiritual beliefs, that I'm in the driver's seat of what I choose to believe on a spiritual level or not, I still am able to believe this.
My best is always good enough.
And then this last belief: my best is always good enough. I think there's a really big emphasis on the good enough part of this. Whatever I accomplished today, whatever human I impacted today, however messy I showed up as a mom today, whatever I cleaned up in my house today, however much I accomplished on my to do list, it's always good enough.
Whatever I accomplish today is exactly what I'm supposed to accomplish today.
This is the belief that I use to counter all of those sneaky thoughts that like to tell us as working moms and likes to tell me for sure that we're never doing enough and that we should keep doing more, that there is more to do. It puts us into action mode. And in the grand scheme of things, what I truly believe is whatever I accomplish today is exactly what I'm supposed to accomplish today, and it's good enough. I am valuable. I have something to offer. I am necessary. I am always in control. My best is always good enough.
These five powerful thoughts are true about you, too. And I guarantee you that the women that are able to hold their boundaries, that they schedule time for themselves, that they unplug at the end of their workday, that exude a lot of confidence. These women believe these things about themselves, too.
They're the five beliefs that really lead you to prioritizing yourself because they make you feel adequate. And like I said before, these are the beliefs that I believe about me, but I also believe them about my clients as well. I believe them before they even believe it about them. I hold space for all of my clients to increase these beliefs because I know that when they start to believe them, when they sink down deep into their body and their soul, out of them will flow this amazingly powerful, ambitious, fruitful, energizing and balanced life.
I encourage you to take one of these thoughts, just one of them. Pick one. Maybe the one that kind of struck you the most when I said it. Take that one and write it down every day this week, it's literally going to take you 5 seconds to write it down. And then in addition to writing it down, write down how you know it to be true. Even if your brain wants to argue with you, even if your brain is like, I don't believe that I know that I'm not valuable. I know that I haven't done enough today, right? Even if your brain wants to counter it, let's just believe, let's just assume that it is true and write out one supporting statement about it, how you know it to be true.
These are beliefs that are available to you right now
You can teach your brain to believe these simply by practicing them. It's not as if I believe them and you don't. As if they're not available to you, that it's like black and white. You either have them or you don't. Or they're a part of you or they're not, right? These are beliefs that are available to you right now. You can believe them right now. You can start practicing them right now. And the only reason you don't believe them is you haven't taken the time to teach your brain that you can believe them, that you have a whole bunch of evidence already in your life to show how these are true. You just need to turn your attention to it.
And I actually walk my clients through a process of learning how to practice new beliefs. So if this is something that resonates with you, if you thought a lot about how do I shift my thoughts? How do I shift my mindset like I've been listening to this podcast, how do I do some of this mindset work like, you know it's in your brain. You know that you have a lot of negative self-talk. You know that the challenges that you are facing and the imbalance that you have in your life, a lot of it has to do with that internal dialogue.
If this is you, you understand that this is your work to change these things. I want you to know that this is one of the three core things that we do in coaching together. There are actually six steps that I walk you through and I give you all of the tools that you need to learn how to do this work on your own so that you can change that negative self talk and start feeling really good about who you are and what you do.
So I will link in the show notes on how to sign up for a free coaching call so you can learn more about that process on how you change your mindset and how you shift your negative self talk. But until then, working Moms, I want you to keep believing ‘I am valuable. I have something to offer. I am necessary. I am always in control. My best is always good enough.’ Pick one of those to practice this week and let it sink down deep into your soul. All right, working moms, let's get to it.
