5 must-have mindsets that create balance (rebroadcast)

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On the podcast today, I am rebroadcasting this really important episode - 5 must-have mindsets if you want to create a life that feels balanced because a life a life that feels balanced starts in your mind. 

We like to think that if we just control how much we work or when we check email, that magically we will feel more present and content, but in reality, our mindset is the first thing that needs to change. 

These 5 simple mindsets are what will allow you to actually shut down your work-brain with your computer, to be present and focused when you are with your family and they will allow you to schedule in time for just YOU.

Topics in this episode:

  • What is balance? A feeling. 

  • 5 mindsets that allow for a balanced life and why they work.

  • A balanced life centers around YOU. When you feel good about yourself, you unlock the ability to create balance. 

  • The tension between wanting something to be different and feeling satisfied with what is.

  • The importance of being willing to feel any emotion when it comes to feeling balanced. 

 Show Notes & References:

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Transcript

Intro

Hello there, working moms. Now, for the past couple of months, we've been talking very practically about what it looks like to create an ambitious and balanced life. And I've been walking you through the 3 steps, which are the exact steps that I use with my clients both one on one and in the ambitious and balanced working moms coaching group. 

And we've talked about prioritization and we've talked about how to do that effectively, and we talked about what gets in the way of being able to prioritize and hold to your priorities. All of these have been very, very practical when it comes to creating a life that feels balanced. 

But the one thing that has been missing is the mindset. What does an ambitious and balanced person think about? How do their thoughts differ from your thoughts, which might be at the heart of why you're not experiencing balance in the way that you want.

I was thinking about this question and I remembered a podcast episode I did over a year and a half ago that broke down the top five mindsets that create balance. And I wanted to reshare it with you here today.

My friends, this is one of those episodes that has really struck a chord with so many of my clients. And I remember getting emails and feedback about this particular episode, talking about how useful it was for them to think about a balanced mindset. So, you ready to jump in? All right, let's get to it.

Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, your go to resource for integrating your career ambitions with life as a mom, I'm distilling down thousands of coaching conversations I've had with working moms just like you, along with my own personal experience as a mom of two and sharing the most effective tools and strategies to help you quickly feel calm, confident, and in control of your ambitious working mom life. You ready? Let's get to it. 

Hello, working moms. I can't wait to share all of the good and juicy things that I have for you today, so I just am gonna jump right in. I'm going to waste no time here today. I want to share with you five essential mindsets that you need to have this year in order to create a life that feels balanced and happy, because that's really what it's all about.

It's a feeling. We're all chasing a feeling. We wanna feel satisfied, accomplished, valuable, at peace, happy and calm. We like to use the word balance, but that's sort of a catchall word. When we talk about balance we always have to define it further. What does that really mean?

What does balance really mean?

Now most of the women I work with when I ask them this question, you know, "What do you really want when you say you want balance?" They say they wanna feel present. They don't always wanna be thinking about work or what the next task is. They want to be right here in the moment, experiencing the joy of their life. They don't wanna feel like they're always chasing something like they need to be doing something more or being something more, or accomplishing something more. They just wanna feel satisfied with life.  

They don't wanna always go a mile a minute. They don't always want this negative internal dialogue. They want that to stop. They wanna feel calm inside instead of this constant rush and overwhelm. I bet you're shaking your head right now because that is the exact life that you want too, right? It's a balanced life. This is the exact kind of life I am helping you create on this podcast.  

As an ambitious woman with kids, there is always more to do.

The problem is, as an ambitious woman with kids, there is always more to do. We're never caught up at work. We're never caught up at home. There's always more things to be doing If we just had a little bit more time. And then, as high achievers, our capacity is huge. We are driven by the check mark, by the lists, by the desire for optimizing and growth. We want more, and we have the potential to do more and make more and be more. And so we go after that.  

The achieving mindset is not a mindset that creates a life of balance.

The problem is this achieving mindset is not a mindset that creates a life of balance. It's a mindset that has you checking more boxes and doing more things. It's a mindset that doesn't allow for rest or satisfaction or presence. So what mindset does that? That's what we're gonna talk about today.  

I help ambitious achievement-driven working moms.

Now, I've broken it down into five mindsets that unlock a satisfied and joy-filled, present life. And I picked these five mindsets very specifically with the achiever in mind because that's what I am all about on this podcast. And as a coach, I help ambitious achievement-driven working moms create the exact life that they want.  

So just as a side note before we jump in, talking about these five mindsets, I don't want you to feel confused or overwhelmed by the idea of a mindset. I know that that can feel kind of daunting if you're not familiar with that terminology. 

What is mindset?

So, all I mean when I talk about mindset is I'm talking about your thoughts. I'm talking about the literal words or sentences that go through your brain. That's all a mindset really is. It's a thought or a series of thoughts or words that you have that have gone through your brain over and over and over and over again. So much so that it has become this unconscious mindset, if you will. It's a very practiced thought or belief.  

All right, so let's dive into the first one, the first mindset that you need to adopt to create a balanced and happy life this year. 

1: I am already valuable.

The first one is: I am already valuable. I am already valuable. I want you to imagine the power of this mindset if you believed it without any hesitation or doubt, if you lived this mindset out.

To do that, I want you to bring to mind a thought leader that you follow. Maybe they've written some books that you read or have read, or you listen to their podcast, or maybe they're in really highly visible roles like Cheryl Sandberg or Michelle Obama or Brene Brown. 

I want you to imagine the level of confidence that they have in themselves and their thought leadership in what they do. I want you to imagine the way they carry themselves in their day-to-day life. These highly valuable women that put highly valuable ideas out into the world, that are literally changing lives for good. Maybe they've even changed your life. How do you believe they got themselves to where they're at today?

Is it with a mindset of, "I'm not good enough, I need to prove myself I'm not valuable"? Or did they get themselves where they are today because they knew, they believed, they had a mindset of "I am highly valuable. My ideas are necessary. I am valuable. I'm already worthy and good."  

Most achievers live in a proving mindset. They're constantly trying to push or prove their value or their worth to either themselves or to their family or society, their boss, their employer, whomever, right? They haven't arrived there yet. That's what their ambition or achievement is driving them toward.  

But what about, if I could achieve more, then I would be more valuable?

Now, hold on a minute, because you might be thinking, "Yeah, but if I could achieve more, if I could, you know, literally write one more book, if I could put more of my ideas out there, if I could make more money, then I would be more valuable." This is the belief that the person that has achieved more is more valuable than the person that has achieved less. There is a direct correlation between achievement and value. 

Now, I'm not gonna argue with you, the person that has written two books instead of one, the person that has 10 clients instead of two, the person that manages 15 employees instead of five, they are possibly, with their achievement, more valuable. Maybe it's possible that they have put more value into this world, that they have literally impacted the world in more ways.  

Your value is not found in what you do. It's found in who you are. 

But here's the point: that does not make them more valuable than you. Your value is not found in what you do. It's found in who you are. You are intrinsically valuable. 

You are born into this world with the same exact amount of value as me, as Michelle Obama, whomever else you follow. You are highly necessary and your employer and thousands of other employers would be lucky to have you. 

I want you to imagine how different you would carry yourself if you believed that deep down to your core, how confident you'd feel, how all the second guessing would diminish. How much more you would trust yourself and your thoughts and your ideas, how much less you would seek other people's validation, and you'd be able to stand up for yourself, advocate for yourself, all because you believe that you are highly valuable, that there is nothing you need to do to prove it to anyone, including yourself, that your thoughts, your ideas, your skillset are all of it, is valuable and necessary.  

It's all about how you're viewing yourself first.

Now the reason this is such an important mindset, and really the reason why I wanted to talk about it first is because it's all about how you're viewing yourself and when it comes to creating a life that you want to be living, you are the central piece of that. It's not your job, it's not your kids, it's not your family. It's not how much money you make, it's you. You are already valuable. That's mindset number one.  

2: I'm exactly where I should be.

The second mindset to unlock a balanced life, "I'm exactly where I should be." I've talked about this mindset before on the podcast. It's been a central one for me over the last couple of years in learning how to prioritize myself and prioritize rest and have a lot more fun in life.

This mindset really does have two facets to it. I wanna talk about both of 'em. There is both, the in-the-moment belief that you shouldn't be anywhere else. Like, when you're home with your kids and you're playing Legos or a game or you're taking a walk with your little one, like, that's exactly where you should be. You shouldn't be checking your email or thinking about work or cleaning the house or prepping for dinner. What you are doing at this moment is exactly what you should be.  

Or, if we flipped that, when you're at work and completely consumed with tasks or projects or client needs or people, that is exactly where you should be. There's no guilt for working. You don't need to be home with your kids 24/7. Your work is important to you and it's exactly where you should be.  

Or, if you are sick at home, or if you have a sick kiddo at home and you're the lucky one that gets to stay home with them, that's exactly where you should be. You shouldn't be working. You should be taking care of your family, helping your sick kiddo feel better. 

As an achiever, your mind is always thinking about the next thing. 

It's always optimizing and thinking about how you could be doing things differently or how you could be eking out a little bit more of your time or your energy to achieve just a little bit more. Check one more thing off the list.  

Right now this is exactly where you should be. You shouldn't be anywhere else.

This mindset counters that. You made a decision to be where you're at. Right now this is exactly where you should be. You shouldn't be anywhere else. That's the first facet. 

Now, the second facet of this mindset is a little bit more big picture. It's believing that I'm exactly where I should be at this stage of my life or at this point in my career. This is extremely powerful, versus believing that you should be further ahead. Or even that you need to get out of this job in order to be happy or feel balanced.  

Now, I'm not suggesting that you might not want to get promoted or to move up in your career or change jobs or change careers. You might want that. That might be your goal. And simultaneously, you could believe that where you're at today is exactly where you should be. You're not behind, you shouldn't be further ahead. You shouldn't have done something you haven't yet.  

If you wanna be creating a life of balance, you can't be second guessing yourself all the time.

The reason this is such an important mindset to be believing is that if you wanna be creating a life of balance, you can't be second guessing yourself all the time. You can't be feeling guilty. You can't be feeling behind. You can't be judging your past. You can't be going back and forth inside of your head wondering what you should be doing at any given time. This mindset is a mindset that helps you feel clear. It helps you to feel grounded in your day-to-day life.  

And it's such an important mindset to be cultivating, particularly when your kids are young, because I find that that's when all of these questions really start happening. 

Do I really wanna be doing what I'm doing? 

Is this worth being away from my baby for? 

Am I doing enough with my life? 

Should I be spending more time with my kids than I am? 

The Motherhood Identity Crisis.

These are questions that almost every working mom that I have ever met starts wrestling with when they have kids. It's the motherhood identity crisis, as I like to call it. It's when all of these big questions start to pop up, and this mindset helps to answer those questions. I'm exactly where I should be. A balanced life is a life that feels like there's more answers than questions, and that is why we need to be cultivating this one in particular.  

3: I can figure this out.

Now, mindset number three is: I can figure this out. Now, I love this mindset and it sort of goes hand in hand with the one I was just talking about because I'm not suggesting that "I'm exactly where I should be", means that you have achieved everything that you have ever wanted in your life. You probably don't have the perfect job, or you probably don't make the exact amount of money you wanna make, right? You probably aren't at the exact weight you wanna be at, right?  

Believing that you are exactly where you should be and where you're supposed to be, it's a belief that ends a lot of the judgment that we heap on ourselves as women. 

And as I said before, you could believe that you're exactly where you should be and still desire something more and still desire something to be different in your life. That's where this mindset of "I can figure it out" comes in.  

Because isn't it easier to problem solve and to figure out how to better life or meet goals or do something different when you're not feeling so desperate for change? When you're not feeling so desperate for something to be different? When you don't need that new job? When you don't need your spouse to be doing something or helping more? When you don't need to be making more money? Your body literally fills with pressure when you start to believe those things, when you start to feel that level of desperation and you make terrible decisions when you're in a place of pressure.

Confident decision making or problem solving flows from a confident person, not a desperate one. It flows out of a satisfied person, not a dissatisfied one. 

The mindset of "I can figure this out" is huge when you're actually trying to figure out some big things in life, right? Like career direction or finding a new job, or creating some new rhythms for yourself and your life. Learning how to fit in that workout and prioritize that workout or lose weight in a way maybe you haven't ever done before.

But it's also essential and a useful mindset to have when you're just working through the day-to-day challenges of life. When every day your toddler has a meltdown, when it's time to get out the door. If you believed you could figure this out, that you were capable, totally equipped to figure out how to help your screaming toddler and get out the door on time, like, if you believe that you could figure that out, doesn't that feel different?

Feeling helpless strips you from your power.

How would you solve that problem differently versus believing that you don't know what to do, or you don't know what's going on, or how to help them, or how to get them to stop crying. That's a place of helplessness, of feeling incapable. "I don't know" is a belief or a thought or a sentence, whatever you wanna call it, that strips you from your power and your control, and it's never true. 

We say, "I don't know" when we don't want to experience the discomfort of making a decision.

You always know something and that something always leads to something else. We say, "I don't know" when we don't want to experience the discomfort of making a decision where we're essentially following a best guess, and then we get it wrong.  

To try something and fail and to learn from it and try again, that is what life is really all about.

Oftentimes navigating our way through a situation that we have never faced before, which by the way, is entirely the experience of parenting, requires us to guess a lot. To try something and fail and to learn from it and try again, that is what life is really all about. That's how we get furthest in life. I believe I can figure this out, is going to be the mindset that gets you through the discomfort of failure or potential failure. It's the certainty that you will get there eventually. And that you are capable of getting there. So that's mindset number three: I can figure it out.  

4: I have enough.

Now, mindset number four is: I have enough. Now for some of you, you might need to add something into the end of that sentence…

I have enough money. 

I have enough time. 

I have enough time with my kids. 

I have enough friends. 

I have enough support. 

As an achiever, your brain lives in a place of lack. There's always more to do, more to achieve, more check boxes to check, more things to improve on, more things to clean, more things you could be doing with your kids, more ways you could be saving. Right? More, more, more, more, more.  

There's always more, which means what you have right now isn't enough, and when you're believing that you don't have enough time or success or energy or money, what do you do? You strive for more. That's the most natural thing for any of us to do when something isn't enough and it's what causes the most imbalance. 

One of the most foundational experiences that one has in a balanced life is satisfaction and is rest.

Because it has us always prioritizing doing more and achieving more instead of resting more and just being more. And one of the most foundational experiences that one has in a balanced life is satisfaction, is rest. And that is what this mindset is meant to cultivate. I have enough.  

Now, I tell this story a lot, but I had a client that I worked with probably three or four years ago at this point, and I remember when she came to me, she was convinced that she didn't have enough time with her kids. She essentially saw them for two, maybe two and a half hours at the end of her workday between the time she got home and the time they went to sleep. And I remember they were sort of little and I remember she didn't really see them in the morning. I think her husband probably took them to school or something like that, and I recall she came and she said, "I don't spend enough time with my kids. I want to spend more time with them." She was convinced there wasn't enough time.  

But by the end of our four months together, she wrote me, and I remember she said, I still have exactly the same amount of time with my kids, and yet it feels completely different. It feels like enough because what happened is she stopped telling herself that she wasn't spending enough time with her kids, which was making her feel terrible as a mom, and then she was showing up to work feeling like she was lacking as a mom, which affected her work and so forth. 

She started just believing that this was enough time.

And instead of saying that to herself, She started just believing that this was enough time, and when she started believing that the time that she spent with her kids was enough, it changed the way she interacted with her kids during that time.

She started to be more present and connected with her kids. She started prioritizing things differently. She started to just feel like this time was enough. And I'm curious how things would be different for you in your life if you truly believed that you had enough. Enough time, enough money, that you didn't need more success.

  • How would you come home from work every day?

  • Would you feel more energized?

  • Would you feel more present?

  • How would it affect your ability to shut down your computer and your phone and actually be present with your family in the way that you want? 

  • Would you worry less about what other people were thinking?

  • Would you schedule in that time for workouts or those time for friends that you just so desperately want and need?

  • What would you do if you truly believe that you had enough of whatever it is that causes you to overwork and deprioritize yourself and deprioritize rest?  

5: I am willing to feel anything.

Now, the last mindset that I wanna offer to you that will unlock a balanced life for you this year is: I am willing to feel anything. The only thing that ever gets in the way of us following through with our priorities or our boundaries, or following through with the time that we have set aside for ourself, for our workouts, for our work, for our spouse. The only thing that literally ever gets in the way of us following through with the things that we want in life and the things that we wanna do and our goals, is an emotion. Or really, it's the unwillingness to feel that emotion.

In order to experience balance in your life, you're going to have to first experience the feeling of being behind and disappointing others. 

To feel failure. You're going to have to be willing to feel lazy. Inadequate. None of these emotions feel good. As human beings, we are hardwired to avoid these emotions because they don't feel good. They literally create vibrations and experiences inside our body that feel icky, that causes our heart to pound, that causes anxiety and fluttering inside of us, and we avoid them at all costs.  

What if you were just willing to experience icky emotions and to feel them? 

What if you were just willing to experience failure? If you were willing to feel the emotion that comes when someone else is disappointed in you? If you were just willing to feel overwhelmed, because you have a lot to do on your to-do list? Failure, disappointment, overwhelm. These are just emotions. They're literally just sensations and vibrations that you experience in your body, nothing more.  

Your brain likes to ascribe meaning to these emotions. Your brain likes to make you think that when you fail, you are a terrible person, that you're invaluable, that you're inadequate, that you're not good at your job. Your brain likes to think when others are disappointed in you, it means that you're not dependable, that you're unreliable, that you're not a team player.

Emotions are just emotions. You get to decide what they mean.

When you're feeling overwhelmed, your brain likes to make that mean that you're not good at your job or you're not a good enough mom. Your brain likes to make it mean that you don't have it all together, that you're lazy. None of these things are true. Emotions are just emotions. You get to decide what they mean.

And learning to actually process emotions instead of avoid them, this is an essential thing to learn how to do if you wanna create balance in your life. And it's something that we work on in coaching together, because I guarantee all of your imbalance behaviors - all of the overworking, all of you prioritizing work instead of home or rest, work instead of yourself, work instead of workouts - all of your bad habits and imbalance behaviors come from you avoiding an emotion. It comes from you avoiding a feeling because your brain likes to make that feeling mean something that it's not.  

Processing emotions can take anywhere from one to 10 minutes.

And in coaching, we unpack all of that. You learn how to properly process emotions and understand exactly what these things mean, and you ultimately learn that processing emotions can take anywhere from one to 10 minutes.

Instead of avoiding or stuffing your emotions, you will learn how to feel them, how to process them and follow through with whatever task or priority you were doing before. I am willing to feel any emotion. That is a mindset that unlocks all of this for you. It unlocks the follow through ,the boundaries.

Working moms, the five must-have mindsets to experience balance and happiness this year are: 

  • I am valuable. 

  • I'm exactly where I should be. 

  • I can figure this out. 

  • I have enough.

  • I am willing to feel anything.

I believe these about you. It's time for you to believe them about yourself. Coaching with me is truly the fastest way to adopt these mindsets and create for yourself the balanced and happy life you want this year.

Book a FREE coaching call.

So if you're ready to make that happen, reach out. Book a free coaching call with me. I call that a breakthrough call. You can go to www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/book to get that process started. Working moms, I wanna make this the best year yet. Keep listening to this podcast. And if you don't follow me on Instagram or LinkedIn, you probably wanna do that sometime soon. So I will put those links in the show notes for you and working moms. I know that you can do it.

Rebecca Olson