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In today's podcast episode, I tackle the challenging topics that resonate deeply with many of you. I delve into listeners questions on the struggles of feeling undervalued at work, the complexities of networking, and the harsh realities of the motherhood penalty.
It's a packed episode filled with heartfelt inquiries from the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms community, highlighting the universal challenges and offering guidance on how to navigate these tough situations with confidence.
Whether you're dealing with workplace issues or personal development hurdles, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable advice.
Topics in this episode:
Navigating feelings of being undervalued at work.
Addressing the challenges of networking as an introvert.
Understanding and overcoming the motherhood penalty.
Strategies for self-advocacy and boosting self-confidence.
Encouraging personal growth and effective communication in professional settings.
Show Notes & References:
This podcast is on YouTube! Check it out by clicking here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPZA5JKXYxjCMqodh4wxPBg
Learn more about coaching with me by clicking here: https://www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/aligning-motherhood-program
Join my email list here: https://www.ambitiousandbalanced.com/emaillist
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Transcript
Intro
Today is another day of listener questions. Working moms, I posted on social media and sent out an email to my list several weeks ago asking for feedback on what you most needed help with. And I had a ton of response.
And so I did an episode last week covering some questions that came up, and I am wrapping it up this week with several other questions. We are going to be diving deep into feeling undervalued at work and how you handle that situation.
The challenges of being an introvert and networking, putting yourself out there and being passed over for jobs and promotions because you're a mom. This is one I am likely going to get fired up about.
Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you're looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home, then this is the place for you. I'm your host, Rebecca Olson. Let's get to it.
Okay, so let's dive into this question. It comes from somebody on my email list, and she lives in Kenya. I actually have a current client that is in Kenya. I have had past clients in Africa, the Middle East, South America, Canada, all over the world.
I am an international life coach for working moms and I just love, love, love that, that I get to work with people all over the world. But I cannot pronounce this amazing working mom's name and I'm not even going to try.
So here is what she said to me:
I had a great working experience with my supervisors before becoming a mom. Actually, she says mum. I love that. After seeing how I slow down, I am noticing the reluctance to engage and even recommend me. And I'm worried that slowing down has somehow ruined my reputation. What do I do?
The motherhood penalty.
The motherhood penalty, that is what this is called. It is the experience of not being promoted or being given the opportunity to do something because you are a mom.
Now, the motherhood penalty is real. Let me give you some statistics on it if you have ever questioned this, but research shows that the hourly wages of mothers is approximately 5% lower per child than the wages of non mothers.
Research also shows that 81% of mothers with children that are under the age of 18 make less than 40% per year, which is compared to only 44% of fathers.
Another big one is that mothers are less likely to get hired than non mothers. There was a very interesting study where hypothetical resumes were sent out to people. Virtually the same resume, same type of experience. Everything was the same except on one resume, they put in a memo line that this woman had two children in comparison to the other one that did not mention that at all.
When participants were asked if they would hire either of these applicants, participants said they were 84% likely to hire the woman without children and only 47% likely to hire the mother, the woman that had children. Right.
The motherhood penalty exists that we are penalized as women in our society, in our culture. There is a systemic problem with this. Okay, so that is what this working mom is talking about. So what do we do about this?
This is a real thing, and I'm sure many of my listeners in the ambitious and balanced working mom community have experienced this in some form or another.
Now, I'm not going to lie. We have a long way to go as a culture to end the motherhood penalty. It's not going to happen overnight, and it's likely going to take several generations for this to really close the gap between women that work that have kids and women that don't have kids.
And then, of course, between women and men…that's a whole different scenario there. However, I don't want you waiting around generations for you to have the career that you want. Right. I also don't want you waiting around for a boss or someone on your team to advocate for you.
I want you to absolutely feel in control of the career that you want, despite the penalty. Right? So here is the first question. What can you control in this situation?
We know the penalty exists. We can't control that. What can you control?
You have a choice whether you stay or leave.
Now, there's a couple of things. The first thing that you always have control over is whether you choose to stay in this job with the motherhood penalty existing or not, right?
I know this is not across the board, but generally speaking, you are an at will employee, right? That means you have a choice, and everybody has a choice.
It's always important to remember that you have an opportunity to make a different decision on where you work and what you do. Right. It gives you a leg up. If you're willing to let go of this company and go find another one that might treat you better, then you have more negotiating power.
So if there's a lot of fear that comes up in finding another job or, you kind of feel stuck, like you have to stay here. You either have the golden handcuffs or, like, the flexibility handcuffs or whatever it is, is. Right.
This is where you have to start.
Why do you choose to stay? And I want you to answer that question until it feels like a choice. Right.
Why are you staying in this job even though the motherhood penalty exists for you and you're experiencing it in your job.
Why is it the best thing for you?
Why is it the best thing for your family?
Why is it the best thing for your future?
And if the answer to these questions is like, it's not, it's actually not the best thing for me to be here, then it's time for you to consider another job. But I'm going to assume that you can answer all of those questions. And you know that you know that you know you should stay. This is the best place for you.
Now you realize it's a choice. I'm staying here for lots of other reasons, lots of other things that I gain even though the motherhood penalty exists. So I'm going to assume that you're staying in this job and that you choose to be there even though you see that you can make other choices.
You can control what you think about yourself?
So the next question is, what else can you control? And the next thing you can control is what you think about yourself. Right? It matters more than what other people think of you. Your thoughts about yourself are the most important thoughts that you have all day.
And when you are thinking amazing things about yourself, the value that you bring to your company, the potential that you have in your future, how amazing a mom you are, what great a life you have…
When you have really positive thoughts about you, you advocate for yourself very differently because you feel like deep down in your bones, the amazingness, the badassness, right.
Nobody else can instill those thoughts in you but you.
And I want you to put an effort on a daily basis into thinking amazing thoughts about yourself, to really increase that belief that you have in yourself.
And that could be through affirmations, it could be through journaling, exercise, it could be just thinking about how amazing you are sharing that with someone else.
I give my clients several exercises around this, really powerful ones, to really increase their belief in self on a daily basis. And I start that with them really early on in our coaching process.
Thinking amazing thoughts.
We work together for six months, but they're going to get these increasing belief in self exercises really early on in our time because I want them thinking amazing thoughts about themselves, them to have the most amazing relationship with themselves where they have really positive self talk.
And if they already have really positive self talk, I just want that to rise to the next level because there's always a ceiling to our thoughts and I want them to always break through that ceiling. Right.
So I want you to be controlling the way you think about you.
You are in control of your actions.
The third thing that you can always control is your actions. How much are you speaking up for yourself now? It might be time for you to go see your boss and to schedule a one on one with your boss or your boss's boss, or your boss's boss's boss.
I know that can feel really scary and, awkward, but, of course, you could do it. Right. I want you to take every opportunity to speak up about the value that you bring to your company, what you have done in the past, the potential that you can bring your company in the future, and how much you want to fulfill that potential for them at that company.
There are a lot of bosses out there that think that they're doing moms a favor by not giving them the opportunities and the promotions at work. Right. They don't want to overwhelm them.
They're maybe a newish mom, and they want to make sure that they don't feel the pressure to be working at a higher level when they have young kids. It's coming from such a loving, wonderful, compassionate place.
But what they don't realize is that they are robbing us of the opportunity to make a decision for what opportunities we choose and what we don't. Right.
Speak up for yourself.
So you likely have to speak up hundred times more than you think that you need to speak up right now. And it needs to be intentional. There needs to be meetings that you set up, one on ones.
I want you to speak up in those formal meetings. I also want you speaking up about it more informally, like, just talk about how excited you are in your career and your future at this company. Talk about it when you're just grabbing a cup of coffee next to someone.
Or you could schedule just quick 15 minutes catch ups with people and make sure you are always telling people how excited you are to be at your company and what you want to be doing for your company.
Advocate for yourself.
People need to be thinking about you and your future at your company. So that's the first advocate for yourself. Remember why you are at this job, even though the motherhood penalty exists. Be talking hundred times more than you think about your own value and about wanting to be at this company in the future of this company.
Networking as an introvert.
Let's dive into the second question. It was from the same listener, and she said this. I'm also a natural introvert, and I also need to be doing some networking. Would you also possibly do an episode covering the art of networking as an introvert who is also a mom?
All right, where are my introverts out there? Right. Let me see your hands. I am actually right in the middle. I'm like 50% extroverted. 50% introverted. There are a lot of studies around introversion and extroversion. It's a pretty complex idea, but here's how I want you to think about it for the sake of this podcast, right?
An introvert gets their energy when they are by themselves. An extrovert gets energy when they are with people, right. It doesn't have to do with how social you are or how many friends you have or if you like to be around people. It's about where your energy comes from.
And this is really important to understand because a lot of introverts tend to have the idea that they are not as confident as extroverts, right? Because they don't speak up as much, because that's not their, like, comfort zone. That is not what this is about at all.
Introversion and extroversion has to do with where your energy comes from.
So if you're an introvert, networking events are likely very draining for you because you get your energy from being alone. So when you put yourself out there, particularly when you put yourself out there with strangers, which is likely very different than putting yourself out there in a group of friends, people that you know, that's a very draining experience.
Now, this is not a problem, right, for me, someone that's kind of in the middle. It's draining for me to be with a bunch of strangers. I crave alone time at the end of a day where I am put in a social situation or a networking situation of being with strangers. And I would, generally speaking, call myself an extrovert, right? But I still get drained by that experience.
Introverts are often seen as less confident.
It's very, very common. You're not alone. Being an introvert is not a problem. What gets mistaken, and that's what we want to check in on here, is that introverts are often seen as being less confident, while extroverts who really love to be with crowds and that energizes them, they get seen as being more confident.
Confidence has nothing to do with you being an introvert or an extrovert.
Your confidence has everything to do. Not with you if you like to be around people or if you get energy from that, but it has to do with what you believe about yourself.
Again, if you walk into a networking situation with a bunch of people that you don't know, and your thoughts about yourself feel unshakeable, you know how amazing you are, you know how much value you bring to the company, you know where you want to take your career, you know what your strengths are, you know where your growth edges are, and you feel really good about how you're showing up in the world. And that's how you present yourself in a networking situation.
Doesn't mean you're going to go out and meet everybody in that room. You may only find yourself just talking with a couple of people again because that's probably a little bit more energizing and comfortable to you. That's not a problem. You're still going to show up with a lot of confidence.
And just like extroverts have to learn how to let other people speak, right? So other voices are heard. That's literally something that they actively have to think about.
Introverts just have to think about speaking up more. They have to put energy into, like utilizing their voice to share their ideas and talk about themselves in a really positive way.
So the last thing I want to offer to you as an introvert is to have a plan for how you want to handle yourself after a networking situation.
How do you want to take care of yourself knowing that you're going to come home really drained. A really good friend of mine who's an introvert, she's actually, an extreme introvert. And what she tells me is that when we get together, it takes her like two days to recover.
She literally holds up in her house with her kids and her husband, and she does nothing else except kind of, you know, the normal stuff, working or whatever, taking care of her kids.
She's just kind of in recoup mode. She doesn't want to go out. Right. She's just like, recharging her battery. That's not a problem. She just plans for it. She does what feels nourishing to her after a social situation. What feels nourishing to you after a social situation? Right.
What do you need to do to re-energize yourself so you don't feel completely drained for days on end after an event.
So it's not a problem that you're an introvert. It has nothing to do with your confidence. Increase that belief in self and go into any networking situation with a high belief in self where you feel unshakable.
Don't just focus on connecting with a couple of people, don't worry about connecting with the room. That's just not your personality. It's okay. Put a lot of intention and like advocating for yourself, speaking about your value to just the people that you end up talking to. And then make a plan for caring for yourself afterwards, right. It's great. I love it.
That question actually has come up multiple times from people, like, over the years. People talk about introversion as being something that they see as being a problem, something that they feel like, like, holds them back in some way.
So I'm so glad that you brought this up that I could, like, address this on the podcast. So good.
Feeling undervalued.
Okay, we have one more listener question today that we're going to cover. It came from Julia on LinkedIn, and here is what she said. She said, for me, in my current role, I feel underappreciated and undervalued by management.
Not feeling like they understand that I could do more and be more, then taking that home with me and feeling like I'm a failure at home and draining my energy for my family.
In my previous roles, I was valued and loved, and I was told I was doing amazing, and it made me feel amazing. And I did well not only at work, but at home as well.
Management needs to understand that if you build up your employees, they will work harder.
I'm so glad that you brought this up, Julia, and I'm glad we're talking about it in the last question, where we were talking about introversion and kind of advocating for yourself, so much of that, of what I was talking about was increasing your belief in self. And that applies here as well.
The problem that I see for Julia, and I know she's not alone in this, is that she's waiting around for someone else to make her feel really good about herself.
What she's saying is that she's been in previous roles with managers and bosses that were really good at affirming her and calling out all of the things that she was doing well, and that made her feel really good about herself and she performed better.
Now, I'm not sure if she's in a job right now where they are saying things that are negative about her. She doesn't really say that. It's more like the positive affirming statements are just absent. Right. Like there's a lot of neutrality in there. They're not really saying the good or the bad.
So she could actually be performing on the same level that she has been in the past in exactly the same way. She just doesn't have a boss that is telling her that. Right.
And because she's not constantly getting that validation, which was in the past, helping her really believe really good thoughts about herself. Her brain is likely edging towards the negative, and it's telling her that she's not doing enough. It's not good enough.
Not feeling good enough.
And it's probably telling her that she's falling behind, that she's not doing enough, good enough jobs, she should be doing more. And then she feels terrible about herself and not enough.
And then, of course, she brings that back to her family. It's very common cycle. And remember last week, we were talking about cycles? There are these cycles that we all get in that kind of stem from the way we're thinking, these negative self talk cycles. I see it happen all of the time.
And my guess is this is one for you as well, Julia. When you're not getting the affirmation that you have in the past, you tend to have to work harder at remembering that you're really good at your job and believing really good things about you.
And that just takes a lot of effort. And if you don't put that effort in, then you fall into these, like, negative thought patterns about yourself.
Now hear me out, because I don't want to discount the idea that if you have someone in your corner, like your boss, that's advocating for you, and that's telling you that you're really amazing and is constantly reminding you of how good you are, I don't want to ignore the idea that that would be amazing and that it obviously would feel really good, and it would make it easier for you to think really positive thoughts about yourself. I mean, of course it would, right?
Ownership.
But one of the principles we have here in the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms community is ownership, which means I don't want you waiting around for your boss or someone else to tell you that you're amazing so that you can feel amazing. You have to own your amazingness. Right? No one places thoughts in your head.
You are completely in control of your own thoughts.
People can make it easier for you to think really good thoughts about you or your life, but you are still ultimately in control. It has to start there. Ownership over your thoughts and ownership over your belief in yourself. You get to decide that. You always get to decide what you think about you.
Now, I teach, a tool to my clients. It's called self validation, so that you don't have to feel like you are waiting around for anyone else to validate you in order for you to feel really good about yourself as a mom or at work or whatever it is.
I want you and my clients to feel really good about themselves at all times. And so I teach this tool called self validation, which is essentially just the art of validating yourself instead of having to wait around for someone else to do it right.
It's a simple concept, but it's challenging to execute because of our negative bias. Remember, our thoughts are more focused on the things that we're doing wrong than on the things that we're doing right just naturally that's where our brain goes.
You have to put effort into thinking really good, positive, validating thoughts about yourself.
That doesn't mean that you aren't really amazing and you aren't really good, that there just is effort that we all have to put in to kind of getting out of the negative bias and into the positive.
You get to decide how amazing you are.
how valuable you are, how good you are, how enough you are, how you are doing enough, that you are good enough, that you are worthy of your job, that you are rocking it as a mom.
There is evidence of all those things in your life, and I promise that there is more evidence of those things than there are of the opposite. Your brain is just hardwired to see the opposite and to show you all of your kind of growth edges, if you will, and all the things that you're, you know, quote, failing at.
Julia, I challenge you to experiment. I want you to wake up for the next seven days, and I want you to set a timer for 15 minutes, and I want you to get out a journal and a pen, and I want you to write down what makes you amazing.
You could break it down into categories if you want, if that's helpful to you. What makes you an amazing human being, what makes you an amazing mom, what makes you amazing at your job, what makes you amazing as a friend, as a wife. Right.
After a couple of days, if you need to change it up, that's all right. You could think about how valuable you are to your company and to your home and to this world. I just want you to name all of the good things for just 15 minutes.
I have yet to have a client that comes back to me after doing one of these exercises where they have not said it has made a positive impact on them and their life. They can really see it.
After just one week, they come back and say that to me, that they feel more confident, that that kind of sticks with them. It helps them get their day off. Right. It helps them to feel settled and kind of grounded and enough.
I challenge you, Julia, and anyone else that's out there that is struggling with your belief in self and feels like you're in a situation that you're not getting enough validation, enough recognition that you deserve. I want you to recognize yourself so you stop depending on other people to give it to you. Just gives me the shivers thinking about it. Right?
Your thoughts about yourself are everything.
Working moms, I talk a lot about the tools that I use with my clients. Last week I talked about breaking your overworking cycles, identifying breaking them, increasing your confidence, your belief in self. Not waiting around for people to recognize you or learn how to speak up for yourself or to communicate your value.
I have personally coached hundreds of working moms in this process. I have talked to thousands of them over the course of the last seven years about these tools, teaching these tools. And I know that I can help you.
I work with my clients for six months, and at the end of six months, you will end all of that negative chatter in your head. You will feel infinitely more in control of your time so that you don't work when you don't want to work. And you will create for yourself a vision of what a successful working mom life looks like for you.
This is the greatest investment you would ever make in yourself or you would ever ask your employer to make on your behalf.
Because it's not just about ending the burnout cycle today and about prioritizing yourself today. It's about learning the tools to be able to do this forever. I want you to learn how to do these things on your own.
That's a part of our goal in our six months together, is to do these things on your own so that it's an investment that keeps on giving. Right?
The cost of that investment is $8,000 and there are payment plans available to make that more accessible to you. I have just a few spots opening up in April and I would love for you to take one of them. You can simply go to www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com to learn more about that.
And working moms, thank you, thank you, thank you for your questions, your comments. I am always open to hearing more.
I would love to hear from you.
Please do get on my email list if you want to hear from me and get more support from me and have direct conversation with me about all these concepts that we are talking about here on the podcast, I would love to hear from you. So please do get on the email list.
I will put that in the show notes just as I have referenced all these things here today that will also be in the show notes. Thanks working moms. Until next week, let's get to it.
