Controlling Your To-Do List

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The length of your to-do list is often a source of anxiety. When the to-do list is short you feel productive and good about yourself, but when the to-do list is long you feel inadequate and overwhelmed. But the length of your to-do list doesn't actually determine how you feel. It doesn't determine how accomplished you are. Your to-do list is neutral. When you create a balanced life, you have to feel in control of your to do's. In this episode we will dive into three ways to think about your to-do list so that you end the overwhelm cycle and start feeling in control of your to-do’s.

Topics in this episode:

  • Why you should ignore the length of your to-do list

  • Why your to do list isn’t the cause of overwhelm

  • A productive way to view your to-do list

  • 3 shifts in how you think of your to-do list that will help you create balance

  • What it takes to normalize the length of your to-do’s

  • Why a long to do list can actually be a good thing

Show Notes:

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Transcript


Intro

So many women use their to-do lists to measure how good they feel about themselves and what they accomplish. When the to-do list is short they feel productive and good about themselves. But when the to-do list is long they feel inadequate and overwhelmed. But the length of your to-do list doesn't actually determine how you feel. It doesn't determine how accomplished you are. Your to-do list is neutral. You get to decide what you think and how you feel about it. When you create a balanced life, you have to feel in control of your to-do list. So in this episode, we're going to dive into three ways to think about your to-do list so that you end the overwhelm cycle and start feeling in control of your to-do’s. 

You ready? Let’s get to it…


Welcome to the ambitious and balanced working mom podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you’re looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home then this is the place for you. I’m your host Rebecca Olson, let’s get to it! 


The length of your to-do list is often the source of overwhelm and anxiety. 


When the to-do list is short most working moms think, “I can handle this, this is manageable, I'm on top of it.” And Because they’re thinking these things they feel accomplished and good and adequate. 


And when you're feeling really good about yourself you're thinking that you could handle it and work is manageable. You get off of work and have a lot of energy and are able to focus and be present with your kids because you feel like you are on top of things, maybe you're more playful and willing to engage in activities with your kids, just generally there's a general positivity and energy that comes from really feeling on top of things at work – on top of those to-do’s. I know for me when I've had a day where I feel really good about my work and the clients I spoke with that day and I accomplished all the things that I set out to accomplish, I literally walk into the living room where my kids are playing and my son runs up to me and I swing around and I give him the biggest hug and I tickle him and I might even have Alexa turn on some dance party music and will dance, I feel very alive and energized.


Now, when the to-do list is long, many women start thinking, “I'm overwhelmed, there's too much to do, I can't get through it all.” This leads to feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and inadequacy. 


When you get off of work and feel like you didn't accomplish enough and you didn't do the things you set out to do and you step in the door to be with your family, you feel drained and detached and like you just can't wait to get the kids to bed so you have a little time for yourself. 


When I have these days, I'll walk into the living room my son will run up to me then I'll then down on my knees and give him a big hug then he'll ask to play and I'll usually say let me talk with your dad for a while, or I'll give an excuse like I need to start cooking and then I'll hide myself in the kitchen. My engagement is low and my interest in my family is low.


There is a direct correlation between your to-do list and your feelings.

What I really want you to see is the difference between how it feels when you're thinking you’re on top of your to-do list versus thinking you can't manage it. There is a direct correlation between what you’re thinking about your to-do list, what you're feeling about your to-do list, and then how you manage it.


It isn't the length of your to-do list that makes you feel good or bad.

But here's the thing I really want you to notice: it isn't the length of your to-do list that makes you feel good or bad. It isn't the length of your to-do list that is either manageable or not. The length of your to-do list is actually completely neutral. Not everyone that looks at your to-do list is going to feel exactly the same way, which means that it's subjective. It is the way you are thinking about your to-do list that either makes you feel like it's manageable or not.


When you're thinking your to-do list is too long and you can't manage it, that makes you feel overwhelmed. And when you feel overwhelmed by your to-do list, what do you do? Really there are only two things, procrastinate - meaning it immobilizes you and you do nothing or you do the easy stuff - which then likely makes you feel behind and like you didn't accomplish enough and so you overwork to compensate. Or you go into hyper doing and you try to accomplish as many things as possible and again overwork in order to get more done so that you don't feel overwhelmed.


The way you think about your to-do list changes everything.

It is true that accomplishing more and checking off more things on your to-do list will likely end the cycle of being overwhelmed and overworking but not because your list is shorter. Remember the length of your list is completely subjective. So it isn't your list being shorter that ends the overwhelm and overworking, it's what you're thinking about yourself and your list now that there are fewer things on it. All that has actually happened is your thoughts have changed about your list.


You don't need to be dependent on anything in order to feel balanced.

But ultimately, I never want you to be dependent on your to-do list being short in order for you to feel accomplished and like your life is manageable and in control. I don't want you to be dependent on anything in order to feel balanced. I want you in complete control of creating and experiencing a balanced life. So what that requires is a shift in the way you think about your to-do list. I don't want you thinking that the only way to not feel overwhelmed by your to-do list is to simply do more, which means work more. Working more does not create a balanced life. 


So I want to talk about 3 shifts in the way you're thinking about your to-do list so you can gain more control in your life and create more balance simply by thinking differently.


The first shift is to normalize the length of your to-do list. 

You are an ambitious woman, you're good at what you do, and you get things done, that means that you’re always going to have people putting more things on your plate because you are known for getting things done! And because you're ambitious, you always have goals and desires to do more and accomplish more and so you are constantly adding more to your list! So with one thing comes off of your list, inevitably something else will make its way on. An achiever always finds more to achieve. This is not a problem. The shift is about normalizing the idea that your to-do list is always going to be long. And in fact, it says a lot about the kind of person you are, that you're an achiever, a doer, that you have high standards - these are all great things that you likely want to continue to think about yourself and a long to-do list is just an extension of that. I have two clients that often talk about the length of their to-do list and when I asked them about it, they usually say, “it's because no one else can do the work like I do.” They say that they are requested to be on everyone’s team. Essentially, they're just really freaking good at what they do. And because of that people want them to do more of it. The length of their to-do list is simply an extension of their value at the company. 


The second shift in how you’re thinking about your to-do list is to stop thinking: there is a right way. 

There is no right way to manage your to-do list, there is only the way you make right. Everyone’s brain operates differently, and you can learn 100 different ways to structure your to-do's and keep yourself organized and potentially all of them could work for you. The reason people continue to go out searching for a better way to organize and manage their to-do's is because it's a lot easier to think that the system is broken, that the system is inefficient, rather than you! 


What tends to happen for working moms is they have a system, for some, it is organizing apps, systems like Trello, or just good old fashioned pen and paper and they use it for a while but eventually they don't have their phone with them when they want to write something down or the master to-do list was left at the office or a slew of to do's gets added to their list, and it becomes uncomfortable to manage it. They don't want to get off the sofa to find their phone to write that thing down. They don't want to send themselves an email or write a note and then transfer the information to their master to-do list. They don't want to take 20 minutes to organize and manage the 10 new items that need to be added to their list. It's uncomfortable and it is a lot easier to say “well this system just doesn't work for me” than it is to say to be willing to feel a little discomfort to keep yourself organized. 


Managing your to do's and keeping yourself organized takes effort. There are going to be times that you don't want to do it. There's going to be a lot of times where your brain thinks that just getting one more thing done is a better use of time than managing your to-do list. But when you commit to a system and decide you're going to make it work, your brain will start to get on board to figure out the kinks versus thinking the system is the problem and then spending too much time thinking about or researching systems in order to find one that is right for you. There's no right way. I had a client that constantly told me that the system was the problem. They had tried a bunch of different ways to stay organized and track to-do’s and none of them worked, she just needed to find the best way. When she finally realized there was no perfect system, she picked one that worked the best for her and then started troubleshooting for the moments the system broke down. She came up with plans for how she would handle each new to-do list item. How it would get tracked. When she would put it in her calendar. She started making decisions and getting to it. The system started working because she committed to it and she was willing to admit that she was the breakdown, not the system itself.


The third shift is to depersonalize the length. 

The length of your to-do list is not a personal reflection on you. I know earlier I talked about how having a lengthy to-do list often comes with being a high achiever and while that is true in a positive way to look at your to-do list, ultimately how much you get done, or the length of your to-do list, says nothing about how good you are at your job or how good of a mom you are. Your to-do list isn't personal, it doesn't mean anything about you personally. 


Your company doesn't pay you to get through your to-do list. Your company pays you for your expertise, for your brain. That doesn't mean you can be lazy but it does mean the focus is not on checking more off your to-do list, because they're paying you for the way you think. They want you to problem solve, to strategize, to communicate effectively, to take your knowledge and apply it effectively to your work, they want you to lead, train, evaluate, and give suggestions. They would rather you focus 100% on being present in a meeting and giving guidance and suggestions because that is your brain at work, that is the expertise they are paying you for, then to be focused on getting more done. I had one client who essentially looked at her to-do list at the end of the day and would base how accomplished she felt and how good she felt about her day, based on the length. Of course, she didn't really do this consciously, she would just look at her list in preparation for the next day and if it was short naturally she would feel good about herself and if it was long it wouldn't make her feel bad and like she should jump on a little bit later to do some more work. This is a very subtle thing that so many working moms do. One of the goals in our work together was to simply normalize the length of her list and to never expect it to be any shorter or longer than it is. Instead of focusing on the length of her to-do's, she started making lists of the things she actually did. Phone calls she made, emails she'd written, tasks she'd accomplished, the progress she made on projects, she just started to list all the things to get her brain to disassociate her accomplished value from the length of her to-do list. 


OK, it's time for you to get to work to start shifting the way you think about your to-do list. Do you need to normalize it? Depersonalize it? Do you need to stop focusing on getting it right? Remember your to-do list and its length is completely subjective. You get to decide what you want to think about it, how you feel about it and then what you do about it. 


Controlling your to-do’s is a part of creating a balanced life. And you are completely in control of it based on what you think.


Alright working moms, let’s get to it. 


Outro 

I hope you enjoyed this episode today. If you’re looking to create a life where your career and your home life never feel at odds, where you are working less but achieving at the same level. A life without regret where you know you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, then join the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective. This is a group of ambitious working moms who believe that work-life balance is possible for them and they are committed to creating it. The program includes 30 short vidoes and workbooks that will teach you how to create the building blocks of balanced life as well as weekly group coaching and in-depth support within a private working mom community. Oh, and did I mention that when you join the community you get life-time access? That means you have access to coaching and material to help support your balanced life in every season. You can find out more information and sign up for the Collective on my website at www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/collective

Rebecca Olson