Freedom From Mom-Guilt in 3 Steps

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This week on the podcast we are addressing the #1 thing working moms need freedom from: guilt. Guilt is the emotion that shows up when you feel you aren’t a good enough mom. Most working moms never question guilt. They assume that they don’t have any control over it. So today we are going to take a stand against guilt. I will address what guilt actually is, where it comes from, how to create your own criteria for determining if you are a good mom and then a simple 3 step process to help free you from guilt whenever it decides to drop in.

Topics in this episode:

  • What guilt is and is not

  • Why you should not listen to guilt when it comes around

  • How comparing yourself contributes to feeling more guilt

  • Determining your own criteria for what makes you a good mom

  • 3 steps to follow when guilt shows up and how to stand up to it

Show Notes:

  • Join the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective – This is a group coaching program for working moms looking to create the building blocks to work-life balance. The program teaches you a 5 step process, includes weekly group coaching and a private community of working moms all determined to create a balanced life. Find out more information here: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/collective

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Transcription

Intro

This week on the podcast we are addressing the #1 thing working moms need to be freed from: guilt. Guilt is an emotion that plagues us and constantly tells us we aren’t good enough. But for most of us we don’t ever question the guilt. We assume that the feeling is true and we believe that we are not as good as we could be. NO MORE! In this podcast, we are going to address what guilt actually is, where it comes from, how to create our own criteria for determining if we are good moms and then a simple 3 step process to help free us from guilt whenever it decides to pop in. You ready? Let’s get to it…


Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you're looking to feel more confident, decisive and productive at both work and home, then this is the place for you. I'm your host, Rebecca Olson. Let's get to it.


Ok working moms, I am writing this as I sit on vacation away from my entire family for the past 4 days. It’s my first time traveling in about 18 months, and I didn’t do it with my husband or my kids. I did it just for me.


And it sort of feels appropriate that the subject of this podcast is guilt because I know for many working moms taking time away like this, doing something for just them, spending money on just them, taking a vacation just for them...causes lots of feelings of guilt. 


And it seems fitting that this podcast will be released just after we celebrate the 4th of July, as we celebrate our country's independence and guilt might just be the #1 thing we, as ambitious working moms, need to be freed from. 


We need freedom from guilt. 


We need liberation from this feeling like we are doing something wrong and like we are not enough. 


That is what I want for all working moms! So in this podcast, we are going to be talking all about how you can free yourself from guilt. 


What is guilt, really? Let’s get on the same page with what it is and what it is not.


What is guilt?

Guilt is the feeling that arises when we feel we have done something wrong. It has some similarities to shame or regret. As working moms, more specifically, guilt is the feeling that arises when we feel we have wronged our kids. Like our kids have gotten the short end of the stick. Or our kids haven’t been prioritized. Or our kids haven’t gotten enough time with us. When we simply feel we haven’t been the best mom to them. That’s when guilt shows up.


So here is what is important to understand about working mom guilt, it’s not factual. Meaning we haven’t actually wronged our kids. They haven’t actually received the short end of the stick. We aren’t talking about our judicial system where there is a clear law that you broke and thus are considered guilty. When it comes to working mom guilt, there is no actual law, just our perceived standards. So, we feel guilt not based on any actual truth. 

This is important to understand because there is nothing universal about being a good mom. There is no right or wrong. There are no laws. You simply get to decide what being a good mom is and if you are living up to that standard. 


So when we talk about finding freedom from guilt, this is the starting point. Deciding your standard. 


More time does not = being a better mom.

What does being a good mom mean to you? We want to question all assumptions. The big one being time. There is no set amount of time that you need to be with your child in order for you to be a good mom. Time and being a good mom DO NOT have anything to do with each other. More time does not make you a better mom, it doesn’t make you more attentive, it doesn’t make you more loving, it doesn’t make you anything. Time is irrelevant. I want you to really question this assumption because most working moms never do, they live by this unquestioned rule that they should be spending more time with their kids and carry guilt with them at all times. 


My experience with mom guilt.

I remember for myself, after heading back to work with my first, I experienced a lot of guilt. My commute was about 60 minutes each way, which meant I saw my daughter basically when I nursed her just before I left and then I would pick her up as early as I could and that gave me about 90 minutes before she went to sleep. It never felt like enough. I felt guilty because I thought I should be the one to spend the most time with her during the day. I should be the one to see her firsts. I assumed she wasn’t getting as much attention and love and care like I would give her. I was failing her. I felt like I was a terrible mom and experienced a lot of guilt as a result. 


This is our reality as working moms. We spend a little time with our kids in the morning, maybe enough to get them to school if we are lucky and then a few hours before they go to sleep. That is it. 


Now, here is the thing. If the amount of time we spend with our kids is what makes us good parents...if that was true...then every stay at home mom would be better than every working mom. That would just be a universal fact. And of course, we know that is absurd. And for many of us, because we describe ourselves as ambitious, because our career is a big part of who we are and what we want out of life...we know that we would actually be worse parents if we stayed home. That working is actually a contributing factor to what keeps us sane and makes us good. 


Answer this, what makes you a good mom?

Ok...so, it’s not time, what is it? What makes you a good mom? I am going to give you a few of my thoughts right now, but you need to answer this for yourself. Take the time to sit down and really consider what YOU being a good mom really means. What is the criteria you want to measure this by? 


Here are a few from my list, I have 4 to share with you:

  1. Giving full focus and presence when together - I want to be present. That is the heart of being good at anything, I think. It’s the ability to get your brain and body in the same place at the same time. This allows you to catch the nuances of the moment. To think more creatively and in depth. To put all of you into your kids requires you to be fully with them. This is #1 for me. It doesn’t matter how much time I spend with them, but the time I spend needs to be quality. 

  2. Leading their overall development as a human - leading is the important word to me. I am not just letting life happen to them, which of course it does on some level, but I am leading them through it. I am guiding them through teachable moments. I want to raise them or lead them to the best of my ability to be a certain type of human. I want to lead them to be kind, adventurous, curious, perseverant, a good communicator, confident, emotionally intelligent. So what this means is that I take the time when I am present with them to talk to them, intentionally, about what it means to be kind when one person is being left out at school. What it means to get back on the bike and try again after a fall. What it means to not be picked by the teacher that day and say  “oh well, maybe tomorrow”. What it means to give gifts and be excited for other people’s special days and achievements. To ask, how are you feeling? Or how do you think your brother feels when you do that? This is intentional guidance and leadership. 

  3. Fostering curiosity and interests - I want to be a mom that gives my kids opportunities to experience their interests. Now, this does not mean to me that they should try every sport or activity or be put in every type of camp or be given everything that they ask for...but it does mean that I observe their natural interests and give them the opportunity to expand on it and gently nudge them toward activities and experiences that are outside of their comfort zone. For my daughter, she has above-average physical coordination. She was always the kid that could do the monkey bars, climb, walk across, jump or figure out how to get her body to do the thing she wanted it to do, usually long before other kids. So, she has a natural draw toward gymnastics and we are starting to explore that with her. What she has not shown interest in has been anything sports-related that involves a ball. Softball, soccer, basketball, that sort of thing has never really interested her. But, we get out there and try hitting the ball around every once in a while, attempting to get better hand-eye coordination and gently fostering that skill. 

  4. Live with integrity - walk the talk. I never want to say “do as I say, not as I do”. That has never been my parenting philosophy. When I say my kids can’t have screen time, sometimes that means I don’t get it either. I take a break just like I require them to. I want to model the life and the person I want them to be. And, I have also decided it’s not just about walking the talk, it’s about talking the walk. What I have learned this to mean is that I need to share with my kids my experiences and my emotions. I need to share with them when I go after something and it doesn’t work out and I am bummed. I need to share when I feel pride over something I’ve created. I need to share when I need a little alone time. I need to share what gets me excited and why I do the work I do as a coach. I am modeling and explaining why I do what I do. 


Ok, it's your turn. What specifically is important to you when it comes to being a good parent? This is going to be a huge help to your brain. Because right now, it is sorta guessing at what it means to be a good parent. You haven’t told it otherwise. Our brains crave clarity. They want to know the path, they want to know where you are headed, they want a plan...and this is no different. Your brain wants to know what it means to be a good mom. 


This list also then becomes useful when guilt shows up.

Just because you know what it means to be a good mom, doesn’t mean your brain is going to always use that as the criteria. Guilt is often one of those emotions that we don’t even realize is there. It sort of works in the background until we shine some light on it. 


And that is what we want to do next. We want to shed some light on guilt and question it when it arises. We want to free ourselves from guilt. 


You can use this process in two ways. You can sit down and write out the times that you tend to feel guilty. Or the things you currently feel some guilt about and use these steps I am going to give you to process through it, or you can do this in the moment when you realize you are feeling guilty. 


There are three steps to freeing yourself from mom guilt:  

  1. What does my brain think I have done wrong? 

  2. Is it true?

  3. What do I believe is true instead? 


For example, if you feel guilty for taking time to work out on the weekend… ask yourself, what does my brain think has gone wrong? Oh, it thinks I haven’t spent enough time with my kids and that I am prioritizing me over them. Is that true? No. I spend just as much time as I can during the week and I know that when I have some time to myself I am actually a better mom to them. What do I believe instead? I believe that working out is important for short-term and long-term health. I am teaching my kids the importance of a healthy body and I know I will re-engage with them being more focused and present when I do. 


That’s it. Do this anytime you feel guilt.


Here’s another one. So let's say you feel guilty every time you drop your kids off at daycare, ask yourself what does my brain think has gone wrong here? My brain thinks they're not getting the quality care they could be getting if I was there with them. Is that true? Well no. I did my research when finding this particular daycare and I feel awesome about them. They send me pictures all the time, I know what she is up to. I love the fact she is getting so much socialization at daycare in a way that I could never give to her if she was at home. She’s learning her abc’s, numbers, she is learning all sorts of things that I probably couldn't have taught her at such a young age. Ok, so what do I believe is true instead? I believe that really giving quality care to my child isn't just about me being there, it’s about doing my due diligence and putting a lot of care into the people I choose to look after my kids. And believing 100% that she is getting better care because she is at daycare.


Okay, so that's it. You want to question your brain and use your own criteria for determining the expectation. So that’s why it's really important to know what your criteria is, so you can answer that third question, ‘What do I believe is true instead?’ - is basically looking at your criteria and saying, nope, I don’t believe that me being home with my child is going to be the best thing.


Ambitious working moms, you are remarkable. You are teaching your kids some amazing things about what it means to be a good human, to do good work and to be amazing moms. I believe it. You can too. 


Let’s get to it...

Rebecca Olson