You’re a Better Mom Because You Work

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You are a better mom because you work, your kids are better because you work and your work is getting a better employee because you're a mom. These three core beliefs are at the heart of achieving an ambitious and balanced life. In today’s podcast I will breakdown how each of these three beliefs are true and give detailed evidence for why and how to start believing them.

Topics in this episode:

  • Why staying home with my kids would not have been better for them

  • What your employer gains since you returned from maternity leave

  • Daughters are 20% more likely to work, make more money and hold leadership positions if their mom worked

  • The importance of questioning your beliefs about working & motherhood

  • Why it matters that you actually want to work

  • The mindset of a working mom

  • A story about finding the right daycare and what I learned from it

Show Notes:

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Transcription

Intro

You are a better mom because you work, your kids are better because you work, and your work is getting a better employee because you're a mom. These three core beliefs are at the heart of achieving an ambitious and balanced life. In this podcast today I will breakdown how each of these three beliefs are true and give detailed evidence for why you should believe them too. You ready? 


Welcome to the ambitious and balanced working mom podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you’re looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home then this is the place for you. I’m your host Rebecca Olson, let’s get to it! 


I remember going back to work after my daughter was born, I was a complete mess. When I was pregnant I was sure that I wanted to go back to work and that I would not enjoy being a stay at home mom - even if that was an option for me, but let me tell you, there were all sorts of confusion happening inside of me as the weeks of maternity leave ended and going back to work approached.


I wanted to find a nanny for my daughter, but we really couldn't afford it, so I started searching out home daycares in the area and I remember the first one I went to. She was a young grandmother type that ran the daycare out of her converted garage. The front of the house was not that inviting, and I brought my daughter inside, and there were a few other kids there, and there were all of the standard things that you would expect, age-appropriate toys and such, but right in the center of the room was a giant television that was turned on. I asked her if she let the kids watch TV and she said she did for a little bit of the day such as when kids were arriving or when she was making lunch. We talked about sleeping arrangements and how she brought out pack and plays and the infants slept in the same room as the rest of the toddlers, and I asked how she handled naps since my child was not in a regular routine for naps, and she said she would set up a pack and play and try to keep the kids quiet while the baby napped and I left thinking how terrible a mom I was because I was going back to work. For sure, I would give better care to my child than if I left her here. For sure the best care for a child is their mom, and I wasn't staying home.


This is a typical belief held in our culture, women that have careers do so at the sacrifice of their kids. That kids would be better off with moms that stayed home with them.


That is not a belief I hold, that my students in the ambitious and balanced working moms collective hold and some pretty large studies have been done to debunk this idea as well. So I wanted to spend an entire podcast focusing on what I and countless other ambitious working moms believe: you are a better mom because you work, your kids are better off because you work AND your employer is hitting the jackpot because you are mom. 


I want to give a little bit of a caveat before I continue, obviously, you're hearing a bit of my story and my experience we're sending my child to daycare and this podcast is not trying to convince you that working versus staying home is better or daycare versus nanny is better… I do not know what is best for you and your family and your child, in fact, no one knows what is best for you and your family and your child except for you. What I want to do in this podcast is shed some light on some unquestioned beliefs that we have as a society and that seems to be embedded in our culture and maybe somewhere in your subconscious right now causing a whole lot of problems – about moms who work and the effect it has on our kids and the effects motherhood have on the workplace. 


What are the beliefs you hold on how your work affects your family?

So I'm not advocating that all women should go back to work, that that's better than staying at home, but I am advocating doing a little 360 view of your own beliefs about how work affects your family and how your family affects work. Because my guess is if you've never really spent time to consider it before there's some unquestioned beliefs that are causing guilt and demotivation and exhaustion. As a coach, this is one of the most important things I do…I help my students take a look at what they think and decide if they still want to think that. 


The other assumption I am making here if you’re listening to this podcast, is that you are a working mom. And the goal of this podcast is to help ambitious working moms create balanced lives…so, I am focusing on how many working moms view work & mom life. If you were a stay-at-home mom, I think there is a lot that you can learn from continuing to listen to this podcast, but the focus here is on the mindset and the thoughts and beliefs that a lot of working moms hold. 


Ok…So, for working moms, we are looking at the thought that your work has a negative impact on your kids and vice versa. I just simply want to open up another possibility, another angle of how you can look at it that may be more useful to you. 


Because here's the thing, I was and still am a working mom that wants to work. That is a really important distinction, I am not a working mom that wishes I could be home with my child but I still experience a lot of turmoil and confusion and guilt because I held on to beliefs that working and motherhood were at odds with one another. And that my kid was not getting the best care and so I was failing my child because I wasn't home with them and I was believing that because I can no longer put in as much time as I once did at my job that my employer was getting a lesser employee and I felt like I was failing at that.


So we're going to focus on these three points. 

  1. You are a better mom because you work

  2. Your kids are better because you work 

  3. Your work is getting a better employee because you are a mom


Now remember the only reason these three things are true and that I'm advocating them is because you are a working mom that wants to work. If you are a working mom that didn't want to work or are a stay-at-home mom, then these three things would not be true.

Working is something that you want to do.

That is a big part of the first belief that you're a better mom because you work because working is something that you want, it's something that brings you life. If it was something you hated and you dreaded going to every single day then that's going to have a big negative effect on how you show up with your kids and how you show up at work. 


You are a better mom because you work and because working is something that makes you a better human. You find purpose in it, you find energy in it, you like the impact you’re making in this world, it’s meaningful to you, you get to use your education, you enjoy the hard work, the challenge, the goal. When you are a better human – focusing on the things that make you happy – you will always be a better mom. 


You come first, even before your kids.

I have a rule with my students, they come first, even before their kids. And the reason I teach this is because when you are a priority, when you are thinking about what makes you happy and how to love yourself and how to meet your goals, you are filling yourself up! You are filling your cup as the expression would say. When you are last on the list, and you are doing things for everyone else, when you are always doing things because it is best for your kids – even if it’s not best for you, if you are always sacrificing yourself, then your cup is always running dry. Which one is better for your kids, an empty cup or a full cup?


If working is something that you want and it is something that you love, then it is something that is filling you up and making you a better version of you, which is making you a better mom. 

Now for some of you listening, you might say that you 100% want to work, but you're not in the right job. I don't want to get too far in the weeds on this particular subject, but I have a feeling I will do a future podcast on it, because it is so important...in order to show up as the best mom, you need to feel committed to your work and derive some satisfaction out of it. No, you don’t have to be in the perfect job, but you do need to feel like where you are at, is where you want to be. I have a step on this in The Collective material because you can’t be waking up every day dreading going to work…in the same way, you can't be waking up every day and wishing you were a stay-at-home mom. So, if this is the issue for you, then your next step is to get yourself into a job that you feel committed to, at least in the short term…and if you need help, join The Collective to get some support.


Ok, onto the second belief. Your kids are better because you work.


When I was preparing for this podcast, I sat down and listed all of the reasons why I believe my kids are better off because I work. Before I did any research on this subject, I just mined my own brain for my beliefs and it makes sense that my brain reminded me of the experience I had searching out daycares. 


Let me circle back to my story. I did tour a few more daycares and certainly found there were some better ones out there and I chose one that was also in a house, run by a young woman and her cousin. It took up 3 whole rooms of the house (2 sections of a living room, separate bathroom and a bedroom), they were fluent in sign language and signed with the kids, they ran the daycare like a preschool, so there was a lot of structure. The babies had cribs set up in the separate bedroom that was used for napping, there was outdoor space, it was a truly lovely daycare. I ended up sending my son there after he was born, she actually didn’t have any space for me at first so I joined a nanny share but only lasted 3 months because when a space opened up, I took it.  


Unquestioned subconscious beliefs can rule our lives.

But I really remember the moment that my thoughts about sending my kid to daycare changed because up until this moment I still carried around an immense amount of guilt that I was not the one staying home with my child. I had this unquestioned belief like so many other moms out there that even though I didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom, I would still be the best caregiver to my child. 


But there was this moment about six months after returning to work, so my daughter is now about nine months old, where I think I was reading a book to her and she saw an animal and she made some type of noise or some type of recognition about the animal and I remember asking my husband, “have you been going over animals or animal noises with Lillian?” And he was like, “no..” and it dawned on me that the daycare was doing things with my child that I would have never imagined she could have done at her age. They knew more than I did about early childhood development and almost in an instant this belief that I was the better caregiver melted away and I opened my eyes to everything my daughter was receiving at this daycare.


Having my daughter in daycare was the best decision.

She started signing milk and more and all done at a very early age, she knew letters and numbers and animals, she learned to share and to cooperate and to follow directions, they sent home paintings and projects and pictures of her doing things that I know I would have never done with her, had I been home with her. Of course, my daughter would have received a lot from me, if I had stayed home with her, but it wouldn't have been better. In fact, I am 100% convinced that she was better off there. 


Now remember, I get to say that because it's my opinion about what's best for my daughter and for me and my family, I'm not suggesting necessarily that that is best for you, but what I do know is you just simply get to decide. It is not factual that your child would be better off with you if you were home or that she would be better off with a nanny or a daycare, there isn't a right or wrong to it, you just simply get to decide. 


My daughter was in an environment with about 10 kids, they read to her and they sang with her, and she explored lots of different foods with them. I am convinced that her verbal skills are as they are because she went through that daycare. She learned how to be comfortable with other people taking care of her, she learned flexibility and resiliency and independence, she was introduced to different types of arts and projects and puzzles in stories and experiences because she was with two amazing women that taught her things that I would have never thought to teach her. And all of these benefits came from the direct influence of that daycare.


I am setting a positive example for my children.

But the largest benefit my daughter received (and my kids continue to receive) is the example I am setting for them. Decide what it is you want and then go after it! For me, I want to help change the paradigm for working moms so they don't feel like they're sacrificing their families for their careers. It's a big impact that I want to make in the world. AND, and this is a big and, I want to make that impact while always being home for them by 5:00 PM, never working weekends, prioritizing family game time and reading time, giving each of my kids’ individual outings… that is what I want and I am showing them how to go after that. And that lesson is priceless. 


My kids are learning how to tenaciously go after their goals, how to determine what is meaningful to them, and then to craft a career around it. And then if we want to add some research into it, Harvard Business School did a study of the impact working parents have on their kids and found that daughters of a working parent were 20% more likely to work, earn more money, and over 20% more likely to be in leadership then those of daughters with stay at home moms, and sons of working moms spent more time with their family and were more likely to share in household responsibilities in comparison. In other words, the generational impact of us working is huge! Women are rising up in the workforce and men are rising up in our families too. So much there, you can feel the energy I have around that particular belief that our kids are better off because we work.


Ok, the 3rd belief is that your employer is getting more out of you because you are a mom. I mean, I hold the belief that they are getting a superstar. Truly. 


Because you are a mom that wants to work and chooses to be employed at the place you work…

  • You are more efficient & focused at work because you have less time. 

  • You are a multi-task guru.

  • You hold a deep-down belief that you can simply figure anything out because as a mom you have had to figure out a ton of things you didn’t know how to do before kids. 

  • You are more flexible and willing to shift gears or change directions quickly (I mean, kids are never predictable and you CAN NEVER be attached to your plans or goals).

  • You are more resourceful – willing to ask for help – get things done faster – find shortcuts – you never know when that kid might wake up from their nap!

  • You have a heightened commitment because you are CHOOSING to work and you are CHOOSING to work with your current employer. When we feel a heightened commitment to anything we feel more motivated and connected to what we're doing. 

  • Your leadership is more compassionate, strategic, flexible, and hands-off – you know the value of people being heard and people being allowed to learn and grow (every day you see this with your tiny baby as they grow more and more independent each day).


Working more hours does NOT make you a better employee.

One of the big things I teach inside The Collective is that working more hours does NOT make you a better employee. It isn’t the quantity of work, it’s the quality of your work. When you have kids you simply have to learn to prioritize differently and to tighten up processes and meetings and communication because you’re no longer willing to work the long hours! Your employer benefits from this! They get a more balanced employee, a leader that is demonstrating that having a life outside of work is actually a good thing, deeper more strategic thinking…your employer isn’t paying you for your time they are paying you for your brain – and when your brain feels satisfied at home – you are a better employee to them. 


Wow! I am fired up talking about it. 


Conclusion

I encourage you to not just listen to this and nod in agreement, but sit down and push your brain to answer these three questions yourself. 


How is it that…

  1. You are a better mom because you work?

  2. Your kids are better because you work?

  3. Your work is getting a better employee because you are a mom?


Just assume it’s 100% true and find all the reasons. 


Remember, we are ambitious women that WANT to work AND want to enjoy our family. That is a new goal, since having kids. It’s about having both…and believing these are true is the only way that goal is possible.


Alright working moms, let’s get to it.

Rebecca Olson