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In this week's episode, I’m focusing on what it takes to be present. A balanced life is a present life. You want to be present for all the milestones that your kids will meet. You want to be present for the successes that you experience in your job. You want to experience all of the joy that comes from the life that you're creating. Oftentimes ambitious working moms struggle with being so present because we are doers and we go go go, so in this episode, I want to breakdown exactly what being present means, the two most common things that take us away from being present and then give you 5 very practical strategies for becoming a present working mom.
Topics In This Episode:
What does being present actually mean?
The two most common things that take us away from being present
5 practical strategies for being present
How mental distractions, like an unfinished task, take you away from being present
What to do about your phone and social media so they stop distracting you
How to increase productivity by being present
Show Notes:
Want to learn the building blocks to creating a balanced life and join other working moms who are doing the same? Check out the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective, a lifetime membership that includes 30 videos and workbooks, weekly coaching, and an exclusive community to support you in creating an ambitious and balanced working mom life no matter your circumstance. Check it out at: www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/collective.
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Transcription
Intro
In this week's episode, I'm going to be focusing on what it takes to be present. A balanced life is a present life. You want to be present for all of the milestones that your kids will meet. You want to be present for the successes that you experience in your job. You want to experience all of the joy that comes from the life that you're creating. Oftentimes ambitious working moms struggle with being so present because we are doers and we go go go, so in this episode, I want to break down exactly what being present means, the two most common things that take us away from being present, and then give you 5 very practical strategies for becoming a present working mom. You're ready? Let's get to it
Welcome to the ambitious and balanced working mom podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you’re looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home then this is the place for you. I’m your host Rebecca Olson, let’s get to it!
Alright working moms, we're going to talk about a subject today that often goes hand in hand when I'm talking to someone about creating balance. And that is being present. A balanced life is a present life. You have to be living in the moment if you're going to experience balance in your life. Your brain can't be stuck in the office or replaying the conversation over and over again or thinking about what needs to get done or what isn't getting done…A balanced life is one that you feel very present in.
What does being present mean?
Here's how I define being present. Being present is when your brain and your body are in the same place at the same time. Being present is when your thoughts are focused on the actual moment and are not reliving the past or thinking about the future. So, being present has more to do with your brain and your thoughts more than anything else. Because usually, your body is present, it is right there where it is. It is standing in front of your child, or sitting in front of your desk, it’s your brain that is often somewhere else. So the goal of being present is getting your brain to be in the same place with your body.
The reason this is so important is that the present moment is the only moment you really have to live. You can't relive the past, your future is unknown, the present moment is really the only moment that you can derive joy.
For every single woman I work with, when they talk about the kind of mom they want to be, they often use the word present. They want to be present with their kids and yet the most common thing I hear from ambitious women is that when they are at work, they’re thinking about their kids, and when they’re at home they’re thinking about work and when they’re at the park with the kids they’re thinking about what they have to make for dinner. Their body is there but their minds are elsewhere.
Why ambitious working moms need to be present.
As ambitious working moms the goal is twofold: have a successful career AND have a happy home life. When we are at work, we have to feel like we are 100% in and focused – that’s how we become more productive and efficient, that’s how we stop second-guessing and speak up and be more decisive – we have to be 100% present in what we are doing, that is where success lies for us in our career. A happy home life is one that you are not just around for but experiencing. Ultimately it doesn’t matter if you have an hour or 3 hours with your kids when you get home from work…if you aren’t really 100% focused and present with what is happening, the amount of time is irrelevant.
A balanced life is a present life.
Ok, so I want to jump into talking about what causes us to NOT be present and then ultimately what we can do about it. There are really two things that keep us from being present. I am going to introduce each of them with an example from one of my clients.
An example of what causes us to NOT be present.
I have a client, Jen, who is a financial planner. She’s been doing it for 15 years and loves it, but before kids, she would work 50 – 60 hour weeks but with two kiddos at home now, she just doesn’t want to do that. The problem is she never had time to get through her to-do list anymore. She’d leave her home office and walk out to be with her family feeling completely overwhelmed with her to-do’s. She described it as being never-ending. She’d jump into time with her family and dinner completely distracted because she didn’t send that email or didn’t get that document over by the end of the day. Often, to make up for it, she would work for several hours after everyone went to bed but that made her tired and less productive during the day.
So, the first thing that causes us to not be present are mental distractions.
So, with this client, her to-do list was constantly in her head and weighing her down emotionally, that's why it's called a mental distraction. It's not the to-do list itself that's distracting her, it is the fact that she can't take her brain off of it and all of the feelings that come with not being able to get through the list or meet the deadlines in the way that she wants.
Mental distractions are simply the things that you can't shake from your brain that often carry a lot of emotion with them. The most common mental distractions I hear from the clients I work with:
A never-ending to do list – feel not enough
A looming deadline – fear of failure
Difficult conversations with their boss, team or coworkers – disappointment
Childcare coordination – anxiety or guilt
An inequitable household duty split - resentment
Unmade decisions – failing
Let’s talk about the second thing that gets in the way of us being present: physical distractions.
My client Cheryl, can’t let go of how messy the house always feels. She has 3 kids, does most of the caretaking in the family and the house is just a mess. She is someone that values a lot of order and structure and so she finds it hard to function in a messy house. When she is trying to spend time with the kids, she looks around and just can’t stay focused. It’s a constant cycle of trying to let go and getting frustrated and then wildly cleaning and then feeling guilty for not taking the time with her kids and the cycle starts over again.
Or, then there is my client Alaina who really wants to get to bed on time so she can wake up, work out, have a little time to herself and she knows that getting to bed by 9:30 is what's going to help her not be so tired when she wakes up. By the time she gets to bed, after taking care of her baby, doing household chores, cleaning all the bottles, she just wants a little time to herself and so she sits on her phone. And she scrolls and she scrolls then she checks TikTok then she checks Facebook sometimes, she checks her work email - she just sits on her phone until she gets frustrated with herself then finally goes to bed.
These are both examples of physical distractions. For Cheryl, it was a messy house and the constant household chores that needed to get done and then for Elena it was her phone.
Other examples of physical distractions that take us out of the present moment.
Physical distractions are literal things that we can touch or see with our eyes. These distractions tend to derail our bodies. They pull our body out of the present moment so that we either go do something else completely or take us into some imaginary place known as the internet. Obviously, in the age of technology, our phones and computers are some of the biggest distractions we face when trying to be present. Clicking the little round button as you pass by your phone in the kitchen just to see if there is a notification is a distraction. It pulls your attention away from the present moment and transports your body into Facebook. But other things such as: overflowing trash can you have to take care of, an unfinished project lying around you start tinkering with, or your To-Do List that sits out on the counter that you keep checking, can all be physical distractions too.
Even as I write this podcast I am finding myself distracted by my phone so much that I have just thrown it on the other side of the room so that I don't go into default mode and pick it up to check a notification. I struggle with this too.
A study done by the University of California in Irvine found that with every distraction we allow, we lose almost 25 minutes of productivity. So it's not just 30 seconds to check Facebook, it's 25 minutes and 30 seconds as we include the loss of time from derailing our mental concentration and focus.
So although we often talk about being present as being something we want as moms, being present and minimizing distractions at work is something we want so that we can become more effective with our time, we are more productive and work less.
Now, remember the entire goal of being present is to get your brain and your body in the same place at the same time. Your brain gets taken away by mental distractions and your body with physical ones.
How to curb the distractions to help us be present.
With mental distractions, there are three things I want to touch on:
Getting out of your head whatever is in your head. I like to call this a thought download. If you find that you have a lot going on inside your brain, taking 5 minutes or less to simply write it all down and get it out of your brain can really help create space for the present.
The 2nd way to help clear the mental distractions is to process the emotions that are with them. Simply take a moment and assess what you're actually feeling right now right here. Overwhelmed? Stressed? What's the dominant feeling and what does it feel like inside of your body? What we're doing here is acknowledging the emotions, but also bringing our brain’s focus to the physical body. Focus on what that emotion feels like in your body. Taking a couple of deep breaths and really bringing your awareness to those sensations can allow for the emotion to be processed faster.
The third thing you can do to really help curb mental distractions particularly at the end of a workday is to create a work-to-home transition. I'm going to link up episode 7 where I talk all about creating a work to home transition so you have easy access to that, but in essence, what you're doing is giving yourself space to think through all of the unfinished tasks you have going on at work and create a plan for how you are going to handle them. A lot of times our brain likes to hold on to these unfinished tasks and projects and emotions because we simply haven't dealt with them yet, we haven't created a plan for how we're going to finish that project or have that conversation and so our brain keeps reminding us so that we don't forget that we need to do that. In the work-to-home transition what you're creating is space for you to handle everything that feels unfinished before you come home so that it doesn't distract you.
When it comes to physical distractions there are two things you can do:
The first is to deal with technology. You control technology, it does not control you, it cannot operate without your little hands touching it. So even though we wish that we had the self-control to manage our technology use, the reality is most of us don't. So if you truly don't want to be distracted by your phone or your computer, you shouldn't have it with you during a time when you want to be present with someone or something else. There are all sorts of apps that you can use to try to help you limit technology but I have found the number one best thing is to simply turn it off or put it in another room.
The second little trick I often give my clients is to use a timer. When we need to clean the house or take care of some household duties and we don't want to be distracted by all of the other things that we have to do, we know that we want to play with our kids, but we have to wash the dishes and get all those things done - what you can do is set a container of time for how long do you plan to do the chores. So you might say I'm going to spend the next 30 minutes cleaning up, taking out the trash, taking care of these dishes, and whatever I can get done in 30 minutes is what I'll get done. After that, I'm going to put everything down and focus my attention on playing or reading to my child. This helps relieve a lot of guilt knowing that you have a container of time you're going to spend taking care of the house and a container of time you're going to spend devoted to your family.
Alright working moms remember, a balanced life is a present life. I’ve given you 5 different strategies to help you minimize mental and physical distractions because you can't make everyday memories with your family if you're always thinking about work. And you can't be productive with your time if you're constantly distracted by your phone or unfinished projects.
The goal here as ambitious working moms is to have a very present and also a regret-free life. When you’re present you are making the memories with your family, you are going on the adventures, you are having fun. When you are present you are enjoying life, you’re filling yourself up with the love and the positivity that you get from your family. And these are the same goals I have for every working mom that joins the Ambitious and Balanced Working Mom Collective. This is a lifetime group coaching program that teaches you the foundation of creating work-life balance and then the support through coaching and the collective community to implement it in your own life. The collective will be opening its doors in late June, but if you join the waitlist you will have access to some special waitlist only bonuses. So, you can check it all out at www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/collective, I will have that link in the show notes as well and then simply click on one of the join now buttons to put your name on the free waitlist.
Alright ladies, can’t wait to connect with you next week!
Let’s get to it…
