Handling last minute requests in 4 steps

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You’re ready to walk out of your office and then…a last-minute request comes in. What do you? Do you leave anyway and risk letting people down or do you stay and compromise on your priorities. In today’s episode I share the truth about this moment and why it is so difficult to follow through with your boundaries and I offer a 4-step process to handling the emotions that come up with last minute requests.

Topics in this episode:

  • What to do the moment that last minute request comes in

  • Boundaries are your decisions

  • Upholding your boundaries doesn’t often feel good

  • Choosing to not uphold your boundary should not be an emotional decision

  • 4 steps to overcoming the negative emotions that come with saying no

Show Notes:

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Transcript


Intro

So you plan to leave work today to get home to your family at a reasonable time, let's say 5pm. And then the last minute request comes in. Someone from your team messages you. Your boss sends you an email. An important client reaches out and needs something from you as soon as possible. This is the crucial moment, the moment that you are either going to leave work at the time that you want and uphold your boundaries or you're not.


In today's podcast, I want to talk about why this moment is so crucial and what's really at the heart of your inability to hold your boundary in this moment. And then at the end, I will walk you through four steps to follow through with your boundaries and priorities despite those pesky last minute requests. You ready? Let's get to it. 


Welcome to the Ambitious and Balanced Working Moms Podcast, the place for women who want to balance their ambitious career goals with their life as a mom. If you're looking to feel more confident, decisive, and productive at both work and home, then this is the place for you. I'm your host, Rebecca Olson. Let's get to it. 


A couple of weeks ago, I gave a workshop at a consulting firm. They have a caretakers community group, and they brought me in to do a virtual workshop. And I spoke about boundaries. 


And what we talked about is what it takes to really follow through with your boundaries, even when those last minute requests come in from your boss or from your colleagues or from your clients. And you have to make this last minute quick decision on whether you're going to fulfill that request and stay later than you want and not uphold your boundaries, or if you're going to say no and honor your boundary. 


You will almost never honor your boundary when you make a decision from an emotional place.

Because there is a moment where you have a choice and what you do in that moment and how you bring to consciousness that choice is going to impact what you do. Because what you don't want is for this decision to be an emotional one, because you will almost never honor your boundary when that's the case. 


Now, you've heard me talk about boundaries before on this podcast. I will put a couple of episodes in the show notes that link to a couple of past episodes that I've done around this, but just to give you a quick reference and understanding on the way I talk about boundaries. 


By definition, a boundary is a protective barrier that you put around something that you're trying to keep safe. Think about this like it's a fence that you build around your sheep to keep the wolves away, to keep the predators away, right? Or think about this as a fence that you put around your property to keep your house, your family, and your possession safe. A boundary is a protective barrier. 


Keeping our priorities safe.

Now, when it comes to creating boundaries between your work and your home life. The thing that you're trying to keep safe are your priorities. These are the things that you've named as being the most important things to you. 


Now, likely these things are things like time with your family, time for yourself, your health, your kids' health and well being, having a connected relationship with your partner, your own sense of confidence, or perhaps even your career trajectory, right? These are all just ideas of what some of the most common priorities are that I see in my clients, in the amazing working moms that I coach with. And these are the priorities that you might be trying to protect with your boundaries. 


Now, of course, your boundary is not a physical barrier like a fence, because you're not protecting something physical with your boundaries like your house or your sheep. 


You're protecting your time. 

You're protecting your mindset. 

You're protecting your emotions. 

You're protecting your presence.

You're protecting your energy. 


Your decisions protect your boundaries.

These are not things that are physical. They're more like ideas. And so the thing that creates the barrier that protects these things are your decisions. They are the things that you say yes to and the things that you say no to. 


You make tens of thousands of decisions a day, and with every decision, you are saying yes to something and you are saying no to something else. We want the things you say yes to to be your priorities. 


So coming back to the example of getting a last minute request that comes in from your boss, your colleague, or something like that, maybe it's an email or maybe it's a message, or maybe somebody quite literally walks into your office and you have a decision to say yes to something in that moment. 


And it's not as simple as saying yes to either fulfilling their request or saying yes to being home with your family and being home on time. You're also saying yes to either feeling like a supportive and dependable team player or feeling like a present and connected mom. And it's hard to choose between those two things. 


So let me be clear - I'm not suggesting that if you were to say no to a last minute request and go home at the time that you said you would, and not fulfill whatever that request is, that you would not be a supportive colleague or team player or that that would make you not very dependable. I'm not saying that any of that would be true. But I am suggesting you might likely feel that way. 


On the other side of that, if you were to decide to stay and help with that last minute request and stay later than you want, it would not make you a lesser mom or less connected or less present. That isn't necessarily true. I'm just suggesting you might feel that way. 


That's what I mean when we start talking about wanting to make a decision to hold to your boundaries and not making it an emotional one. Because whether you decide to stay and help out or not, there will inevitably be a lot of icky feelings that come with it. 


And most of the time, unless you are making a very conscious decision to tap into the higher part of your brain that can take in various perspectives and goals and truths, you will make a decision based on how it feels. And generally speaking, you will decide based on the one that feels least bad. That is what emotional decision making is all about. Making decisions to avoid feeling bad. 


“How do I not feel bad when I'm sticking to my boundaries?”

This is something I hear from working moms a lot as I start working with them, on holding their boundaries, they'll say, how do I not feel guilty? How do I not feel bad when I'm sticking to my boundaries? And I say, saying no to a last minute request, telling your boss, no, telling your colleagues, no, telling your client that you're unavailable. This is something that you might have to do in order to stick to your boundaries and to follow through with your priorities. And, generally speaking, it doesn't feel good. And at some point, if you're going to actually prioritize the things that you say are the most important to you, you're going to have to stop making emotional decisions and stop worrying about how it feels. 


In a balanced life, a life that, generally speaking, you hold to your boundaries - It's not always a life that feels great. It's not all roses. It's not all cheery. It's not all fun. I've been thinking a lot about this recently and about how we sort of label life based on how it feels. 


If life feels really good, then we must be really good. And if life is feeling not so good, then we must not be very good. And when we're talking about balance, again, we tend to label life that feels good as a life that feels balanced and a life that feels bad as a life that does not feel balanced. But it's not that simple. 


You might know that having quality time where you feel present and connected to your family between the hours of five and eight, right after work and before the kids go to bed is the most important time to you. 


You might know right now that you want that time to be sacred. It's the only real time that you get with your kids during the work week. It's the time that you get to be present to hear about their day, hear all the stories about their day, to help them with their homework, or help them talk out something that might be happening. 


It's the time that you get to be present and watch some of their firsts, watch their giggles, watch their smiles, watch their first steps. It's the time that you get to feed them a nutritious meal and know that you are giving their body something healthy. It's the time that you have to make memories together, to play games, to laugh, to take a walk as a family. 


This time between five and eight might just be one of the most important priorities that you have. And yet making decisions to make that time sacred and to protect it at all costs, generally speaking, is not always going to feel good. 


It's going to require you to feel like you're letting your team down from time to time because you're saying no to last minute requests. 


It's going to require you to feel guilty because everybody else might be staying late except for you. 


It's going to require you to feel behind, overwhelmed even, because instead of checking one more thing off your list today, or getting back to that client by the end of the day like you said that you would, you're going to leave at the time you had predetermined to go home and be with your family. 


It's going to require you to feel inadequate, or like you're not good at your job, or not good as other people. Because instead of prioritizing that end of day deadline, you leave work at the time that you say you're going to.


As you say yes to one priority, you say no to others.

There are trade offs to prioritizing being home and connected and present with your family at the end of the workday. And as you say yes to that priority, you say no to others. And that doesn't feel good. It almost never feels good to say no. 


The true hurdle to sticking to your boundaries, to prioritizing the things that matter most, is an icky feeling emotion. It's guilt, it's overwhelm, it's feeling behind, or inadequate, or feeling unsupportive, or like you're not a team player, or like you're not enough, or like you're not doing enough. It's these emotions that surface when you actually try to hold to your boundary. 


Expecting uncomfortable feelings.

And I'm curious what would happen for you if you started to expect these emotions to come up when you're holding to your boundary, instead of labeling them as bad and making them mean that you're doing something wrong, or making it mean that you should compromise on the priorities that you've already decided. 


I'm just curious because what I know is that in order to actually stick to your boundaries and to hold to your priorities, you're going to have to do something with these emotions. You can't ignore them and you can't keep trying to make them so they don't happen. 


You're going to have to feel your emotions.

When my clients come to me and they say, how do I not feel guilty? How do I not feel overwhelmed? How do I not feel like I'm not supporting my team and feeling like I'm letting people down? How do I not feel these things? Initially, I tell them, well, at first you're just going to have to feel them. We can't fix the fact that these are the emotions that come up in these circumstance for a while. You're going to have to feel them. 


And I promise over time, they will lessen and lessen and lessen as you stop giving them so much weight and as you stop listening to them as your guide in your decisions. So I guarantee that these emotions are going to come up, at least in the beginning. And I guarantee that if you stop labeling those emotions as bad and you stop avoiding them, and you stop making emotional decisions based on them, that they will not come up as often. But initially, those icky feelings are going to be there. And if it's true that they are your true hurdle, then having a plan for how to deal with them is going to be vital to your success. 


4 steps to processing your emotions & sticking to your boundaries.

Now, let's talk about this plan, and I'm going to talk about it in a very simple way in four steps. When I teach my clients about processing their emotions and handling their icky feeling emotions, it always starts with stopping and noticing what you're feeling. That's step one. You can't just power through it. You have to stop and notice what is going on inside of your body. And if you can label that emotion, do it. 


The second thing that you need to do is calm down your body. Icky feeling emotions quite literally feel bad inside of your body. They feel icky. They produce sensations and vibrations that we don't like. And before you can make a very conscious and thoughtful decision about sticking to your boundaries, or perhaps this might be a moment that you decide not to stick to your boundaries. But before you can make any very powerful conscious decision, you need to calm down your body.


Because otherwise, it's going to be an emotional decision. It's going to be a decision to get out of this icky feeling space. So you need to address in step two what is going on in your nervous system that is causing all of these vibrations to feel bad. 


Now, in coaching, we create a really specific plan for this step. I have meditations. I have teachings. I have all sorts of things that help you to really dive into handling what's going on inside of your body and learning how to deal with your emotions properly instead of pushing them away or resisting them or carrying them around on your shoulder like they're a backpack. 


Take a big deep breath to calm your body.

But the simplest thing I can tell you to do right now in this step to help calm your body is to close your eyes and just breathe deep for a whole 60 seconds. Focus on your breathing and clearing your mind and focusing on what's going on inside of your body instead of all of those swirling thoughts. That is going to be a huge step in learning how to calm down your body. 


So step number one was to stop and name your emotions. 


Step number two is to calm down your body so that you don't make an emotional decision. 


You have to remember why your priority is important to you

And then step three, once you're calm, is to take a moment to remember why whatever priority that you're thinking about compromising is, whatever that boundary is that you are thinking about not holding to in that moment because that last minute request came in, because it would require you to work late, because you're not going to meet that deadline or whatever it is, you have to remember why that priority is important to you. 


Because that's the thing your brain is going to have the hardest time remembering in that moment. Why is spending that uninterrupted time between five and eight with your family the most important thing to you? Even above hitting a deadline, you have to remind your brain why that is the priority. Because at the moment, your brain and your body are in alignment with why not letting down your team is the most important priority. 


Your brain, your body and your nervous system is going crazy right now. They're thinking that not feeling inadequate and making sure that everybody is taken care of and feels supportive is the most important priority. That's what your brain and your body in this reactive moment is - prioritizing. You have to remind it what the other priorities are and why those are important to you. 


And then the last step, of course, is to decide what you're going to do. Are you going to follow through with that last minute request and honor it and work later than you want and not hold to your boundary? Or are you going to say no? Whatever you decide, as your coach, all I really want for you is to make sure you love your reasons for the decision. 


Be okay with the consequences of holding your boundaries or not.

Because for sure, there are likely situations that compromising on your boundaries or your priorities is something that you want to do. It just shouldn't be the norm. There should be very specific and rare situations that happen that cause you to not follow through with the priorities and the boundaries that you've chosen ahead of time. And, if you decide to compromise on them, I want you to be okay with the consequences. 


Four steps to helping you overcome the emotional hurdle that is required in order to follow through with your priorities and your boundaries: 


Step 1: Stop and name what's going on inside of your body. 


Step 2: Calm your nervous system down. Calm your body down. Breathe deep for 60 seconds. Focus on calming yourself down. 


Step 3: Remind your brain what is your priority and why it is the most important thing. 


Step 4: Make a decision on what you're going to do with whatever it is that is potentially causing you to compromise on your boundary, and whatever your decision is, make sure that you love your reasons. 


I said this early on in this episode - I said that there is a moment when you have to make a decision to either hold to your boundary or not. Something happens - a last minute request comes in. A colleague walks in. An extra project gets put on to you. A client asks for something last minute, whatever it might be. There is a situation that happens that causes you to then have to make a decision on whether you're going to uphold your boundary or you're going to follow through with whatever that interruption is. There is a moment where you get to make a decision. 


I want that decision for you to be conscious, number one, and I want it to be from the higher, more powerful part of your brain, not from a place of emotion. 


That's the goal as we talk about these four steps to following through with your boundaries. 

Conclusion

Working moms, If you have been trying to do this on your own for quite some time, if you have known that you just need to get better at holding to your boundaries if the line between work and home feels so blurred and you have no idea how to, in fact, even protect the things that are most important to you. You might not even know what those most important things are - that is what I am here for. I am a coach that helps working moms feel successful at work and continue to move up in the way that they want to in their career while also feeling like an amazing mom that is prioritizing their family. I know I can help. I'd love to connect with you over a free call. 


This is a chance for us to talk about where you're at right now, where you're at in your career, what it is you really want, what's getting in the way of you holding to these boundaries. And for us to talk exactly about how we're going to get you to that place of feeling successful at both work and home through the process of coaching together. I'd love to connect. 


You can go to www.rebeccaolsoncoaching.com/coaching to learn more about the process of coaching and to book a free call with me to discuss the logistics. 


Working moms, have a great week. Follow through with those boundaries. Don't let those last minute requests derail you. I know you can do it. Let's get to it.

Rebecca Olson